Now that I've stopped driving......so much

A few months ago I was bitter and angry and tired and stressed out and pissed. (you may remember my entry tirade about the burbs.) That was when I worked at a place called Optimist Youth Homes and Family Services (OYHFS)in Highland Park, CA as an Outpatient Therapist (note: this is not their fault as they are mere victims of a larger system that takes advantage of its workers) and they had me driving to the BURBS, and all over the world.

I'll try to make a long story short here. In 1995 I graduated from San Francisco State University with a BA in Clinical Psychology. Can't do much with it, even as a residential counselor, outreach worker, or therapist's assistant you can, if you're lucky make $12 an hour. So, after having a slew of counseling jobs, non-profit jobs, and administrative jobs which left me disgruntled and bitter I went back to school to get my Masters in Clinical Psychology in 2002. I graduated in 2002 with that MA in my little hands, but going into the field of Psychology is like a death sentence, to do any real work (i.e where your judgement actually matters and counts) and to make any real money your graduate work may not be a simple two year process, you are looking at a minimum 4-year process. I could've gotten PhD or PsyD (Doctorate of Psychology) in that time, although those programs are more like 6 to 8 years, and regardless you have to get licensed after completing your degree, which means that first you have to complete a shitload of hours (3,000 hours in California for MA and PhD levels) during which time you are referred to as in Intern,(hours are the actual hours in which you have direct contact with the client in which you discuss your clients with a supervisor...)in order to even sit for a licensing exam. It takes about 3 years to complete 3000 hours, but usually more. During that time, as an intern, you are lucky to make $15 an hour. I kid you not. This is California, where a new home costs a half a million dollars, and interns with graduate degrees make $15 an hour. This field prides itself as a helping profession, and we make $15 an hour unlicensed? That's bound to make anyone crazy.

The thing with OYHFS was that I was licensed when I was working there, not when I started but shortly thereafter. I was making more than my unlicensed cohorts- granted- but I was lied to when I took the job.

Ok, actually, let me back up just a tad. There is a trend in the field of social services and mental health (in California at least that I know of), and that trend is this: HOME VISITS. Read: going to the client's home to provide mental health services. The mentality is this: many of our clients are low low income, with no means of transportation, so expecting them to drive, or take the bus for a weekly appointment is expecting too much. OK. Understood, only because lower income and education levels think mental services equate "your crazy," so yes, much less likely to show up for a therapy session. There is also the belief that therapy works better in the client's domain, in their territory, in their home, and the therapist gets to see the true real-life home environment and incorporate other family members as needed, since they are already there. All true, indeed. My first job as an intern was at a Foster Family Agency called Secure Transitions, as a Social Worker, it was a bottom of the line job, and I was collecting my hours so I coughed it up as paying my dues. This is where I was introduced to the notion of home visits. (Actually, one of my pre-graduate school social-services jobs in San Francisco was traveling by bus with developmentally disabled client's but it wasn't considered clinical since there was no real counseling or psychotherapy involved.... or was it because they were DD?...hmmm....) So, anyway when I was hired at this foster family agency, I told the director, "I don't wanna drive too far, only in LA." For the 1st year they stuck to their guns, I was seeing clients in South Central LA, or Inglewood was as far as I went, still that's only about 11 miles from my home. Then it slowly started, first I was given homes in Carson, then Gardena (all close to Compton and a good 20 miles from my home), then finally Palmdale (in the high desert of Antelope Valley, 58 goddamn miles from my house!) That was my last year there, and the last straw. Is it legal to send someone to Palmdale, 60 miles from the office? Yes, my supervisor informed me, anything within 200 miles is legal. YIKES. At some point I had taken a part-time job as a therapist a school in Compton thinking it was in my vicinity but soon realized it was too far, and one thing for sure I relearned, I am not a commuter, (I also worked part-time at a clinic in South Central LA, to supplement my income, and to get more hours, and since it was only 6 miles from my house AND the clients came to me so it also gave me some traditional therapy experience. That was a perfect job except the pay and it was only a part-time clinic that was closed in the mornings.) Finally after 3 years of slaving away as a Social Worker working with amazing teenage girls at the foster family agency I left, (at the same time I also quit the clinic.) I was done with my hours, about to take the licensing exam and knew I needed a change. That's when I ended up at OYHFS.

OYHFS is in Highland Park, which is basically South Pasadena, which is north east of Hollywood where I live. So instead of traveling all over the barren south bay along the 110 south to cities like Carson, Inglewood, Gardena and Compton I was happy to be traveling north again through the pretty green and windy stretch of the 110 north freeway where there is foliage and hills and Spanish bridges and architecture. OYHFS told me they would try to give me clients in between my home and the OYHFS offices. LIE. They told me after I got licensed I would make "a couple hundred dollars more per pay check." LIE. I was given clients in Glendora (32 miles north east of Hollywood,) San Dimas at 35 north east of Hollywood, El Monte 20 miles south east of Hollywood, SouthGate which is 20 miles south of Hollywood and they were about to give me Whittier which is about 40 miles away from Hollywood when I finally left and said I had had enough. Not only were these cities extremely far but with the exception of Glendora and San Dimas, these cities were not even close to each other, which meant I was driving all over Los Angeles County. They just assumed we would be OK with driving all over Los Angeles, not in a company car, but in our own cars, jeopardizing our health and our sanity. NO JOKE. Not to mention the mileage reimbursement with the cost of gas the way it is these days did not even cover the actual cost of gas, let alone wear and tear on our cars, our psyches and our souls. hell no it didn't. And, like I said before I am not a commuter. Plus the pay, they laughed at me when I wanted more money for my license, they had originally misquoted me and on my offer letter I had overlooked the measly increase. They're defense, "You shouldn't ave signed the offer letter." It took me 6 months to leave that job. 6 months before I was finally able to say screw this and screw you. 6 months of my life. I didn't even give them 2 weeks notice.

Why did it take me 6 months to leave? Because you start building rapport with your clients. You cannot just abandon your clients. We are ethically bound by laws that remind us this is unethical, and these kids we work with, many are in foster care, and by abandoning them we only do them more harm than good. They already have difficulty developing appropriate attachment, and having healthy relationships because they are being moved around so much from home to home, they have a difficult time trusting people and we're supposed to be helping them? No. We're not doing them any good. We get into the helping profession because we want to advocate for those who cannot advocate for themselves, who lack the resources and the strength to do what we find easy, to help everyone lead more fulfilling healthier and happy lives in the face of poverty, hunger, and deprivation, but honestly what good are we after having driven 35 miles in the scorching heat through Los Angeles traffic, bitter and angry. No good at all.

Then there is medi-cal and DMH (Department of Mental Health) who are at the root of all these problems. The billing requirements for therapists at these institutions like OYHFS are ridiculous. Billing requirements=QUOTAS that have to be met, like sales people almost. Because Medi-cal only reimburses for certain services we have a minimum of such "services" that we must meet and provide on a weekly basis. The system basically sucks, because in order to honestly meet these quotas we'd have to work like 50 to 60 hours a week, so interns burn out, the turn over rate is high, and who suffers the most? The clients, the very people who need the help the most, the ones who we are supposed to help get the short end of the stick. The whole system sucks. And it never made sense to me, why was I driving out to South Gate once a week for one kid, what about all the millions of children closer to me and in=between. How cost effective is this really?

I quit. I felt bad, and to this day feel bad for there were children on my caseload who I felt liked me, looked forward to our hour together and have very few other stable people in their life. I should've left sooner to avoid them getting attached to me, but there is this idea that we should at least work somewhere for 1 year. This idea sucks because it forces people to remain in shitty circumstances, shitty jobs. Ultimately, I did 6 months. 6 months of my life. 6 months of these clients lives wasted because they too have to start over, and all I can say is at least I made some good friends there.

I now work elsewhere, somewhere closer to home to begin with. North Hollywood is only 8 miles from Hollywood, and although still in the "burbs" of strip malls and chain restaurants, where I still have to deal with a different mentality altogether at least the driving is minimal in comparison. My quality of life is much better. I still deal with Medi-cal and DMH, and billing quotas but I'm also being appropriately compensated for my license and the bottom line is that I am driving way less. When my practice in West Hollywood takes off then I'll really be out of the burbs and not driving at all. Hopefully. But, I'm in no hurry to abandon any more kids.

the world is a market place....

albeit segregated. we are getting closer it seems. but i still run across right-winged unexposure.

is it truly fickle when you know what you want?

the title speaks for itself. i have excess skin, kinda like baggage, metaphorically speaking, not literally. And, I know when this extra-ness is cumbersome. I know what I want. I know what I need, and I know when it no longer fits, so I expel. Does that make me fickle? Some would say yes. But fickle to me is someone who does not know what he/she wants, someone who is looking for something better, or maybe someone who is searching for the right fit? Is being fickle and knowing what you "don't want" two sides of the same coin? What's the difference between knowing what you don't want and not knowing what you want? What if you know what you want but you also know it is going to be hard hard hard to find? Do you then settle, compromise? And then, you see that maybe you have a good thing, but it's not perfect, do you turn a blind eye? And for how long? Do you try to change it? or do you simply walk away? Sometimes having a partial of a whole is better than nothing at all, or is it?

To play in a band, play music, has always been my expression of art, and for 15 years something of a struggle, because sometimes you have to find the "right" members, people who have the same vision, passion and drive to complete the drawing. Even when I was in a successful band, one that played out regularly, and recorded several albums, there was always an element of compromise, because there were several different visions, passions and drives, which ultimately broke the band apart. So, it can work, even without the "right" members. BUT, everyone needs to be happy for longevity. And, people were not happy. Everyone quit at sometime or other. Does that make us fickle? Or were we each individually searching for the truth, and our own way? Tired of compromise?

The same thought happens now. I am always playing music and sometimes this has to happen with other people. new people. on again. off again. People with different visions, different ideas, passions, etc... The thing is now, I don't have the patience I once had and I now have a direction that I no longer am willing to compromise, that I now want and feel the need to follow. And NOW I have standards in the people I play with: having their shit together, money (not talking rich here, but can cover their share), transportation, mental stability, patience, and focus. And i wonder do I fight the feeling that these people are going to hold me back with their ideas that don't always fall into my oric field? Especially when they are extremely talented with creativity and style. The mentality is easily that together we can create something greater than alone, if we collaborate, life is about collaboration, indeed, but sometimes I think I gotta do this alone. Is that fickle? I can't decide.

falling in and out of love......

we fall in and out of love with our friends. don't you think? we become friends with someone, seek people out because we like something about them. usually. there is either a common thread, an attractiveness, an element of mystery, something that pulls us towards a person, whether it be as friends or for more. Friendships of course, can be lost if your try to pursue more, or it turns into more, (lovers are on a different plane) but the ones that don't turn into more, that subsist on the friendship plane are of an equal sort.

we are friends with each other, and much often in love. not romantically of course, but metaphorically. we argue, and get frustrated too like lovers. ok, i guess there are some friendships that are just out of necesity or proximity, like a colleague, or associate or aquaintance, but when you suddenly find yourself at a party, getting to know that person, that associate or colleague and you find something interesting about them, all of a sudden they slowly begin to fall into the "friend" category, and you begin to fall in love. not romantically. again. i repeat. i'm talking about our friends. we begin to want them around, to talk to, in our life.

sometimes you may reconnect with someone, who you were either very close to or who was just an aquaintance before, and you may rediscover why you loved them, or maybe you were never able to really get to know them, and that maybe other people tore you apart. i think other people do tear friendships apart. the threesome is a scary concept for a twosome. friendships that begin as a more-some than a two-some last longer, there's less at stake. thats another story, i guess.

so. all i am saying is this. the people that you are friends with, i mean your best friends, the people you surround yourself with, associate with are people you should be relating to, and should generally also be people you find to be utterly and truly amazing and beautiful. if they are not so in your mind, perhaps question your reason for being friends with this person. I do. Maybe you've fallen out of love. People change, and we don't always susbsist on the same plane. Life is too short. It's ok to fall out of love. And still subsist on the friend plane, but does it really work, or does it just become more work? 'nuff said.

what is left of life, love and drugs

She called me, she needed confirmation that everything was going to be ok. yes, indeed, half of west hollywood was hungover, broken and doing the walk of shame the day after gay pride 2007, I tell her. You are not alone. Thank god. what is wrong with me? she asks. Just you being young, single, and free. But I'm an alcoholic, she says. No you're not.

Gay Pride should be on a saturday. of course, I could care less, I never go anymore. No dyke march. none of that. that was part of my youth, even though Joan Jett played this year. I just can't handle walking in crowds. sweaty crowds, high on drugs, or drunk. and no, i'm not some self-righteous sober gal, please, I still party, and stay up all night, I just like to do it in the privacy of my home, or my friends' homes, or some low key dive bar.

Plus, I work. I'm obsessed with work. I guess I'd rather spend my Sunday writing a song, or jamming with musicians drinking white wine, spending a quiet afternoon with my love at the movies or a museum, or poolside with friends and mojito's and gimlets. Hanging out with a bunch of strangers on Santa Monica Blvd (or Castro St) bouncing around from club to party to club to party, doing lines of cocaine, has left me left me completely. Like I said if Pride were on a Saturday, maybe I'd go, but who knows, I'd probably be just a likely to still stay at home, or hang with the hetero's. Who really knows.

deference

I saw a movie yesterday where a man, who had left his family 20 years prior comes back when one of the grandchildren invites him to his bar mitzvah (yeah, its a cheesy feel good family movie that i got sucked into as i sometimes do- you might know it). So he comes back 20 years later with his now young, hippie girlfriend, and of course his kids are pissed at him for being gone so long, for not being there during their important years, for showing up with this girlfriend that is their age, for abandoning their mom etc... as they should be, but mom and dad are happy to see one another, are happy because they did once share a bond. Sure, mom struggled during those years when he left, he was gone, but in the movie she acknowledges that dad's leaving had something to do with her too. The kids of course are still mad, and I'm not saying that he should've stayed or left, he did what he felt he had to do and now he has to pay the price for abandoning his children. And children are self-absorbed as they are often taught to be, because often parent's will defer their feelings and well-being for their children who end up having to guess about their parent's real feelings, history and identity which exist outside of the children. complex and complicated indeed. My point being is that often times the parent who leaves is the one who is blamed because the parent who stays with the children have all the power over the children, just as they perhaps did over the relationship and leaving was the only option for the leaver, the parent has 100% of the child's attention and is able to paint the leaver to their perspective, and the leaver cannot defend him/herself. All I am saying is that it is a nice, and rare gesture when the parent who is left behind with the burden of raising the children, of being dumped and abandoned, and of the truth of their relationship, defers to honesty instead of hate, anger, and blame.

Get the balance right.....

Recently, within the last year, my good friend said to me, "it's all about balance." It's so obvious, and I know it, strive for it, but nonetheless it kind of struck me.

By day I am a non-profit, direct service, mental health slave, though I have to say it's better for me, than being a corporate slave which is basically a glorified paper pusher or professional shoe salesman. By night I am a an artist, writer, musician, creator. I would one day like to swap the two but now need both, in that order. Balance.

I live with my lover, the same person, a yummy and delicious soul who always smells and looks good, going on 11 years. We do not have a house, don't own any property, no children like most people assume you should after being together for so long. Nope. We have not accumulated a lot of stuff. (thank god. and all in good time.) and although much to my parent's and some friends dismay, because they assume we should be keeping up with the Joneses, but in our small apartment smack in the center of the city, let me tell you tha we get to still enjoy life to the fullest with little worry. We both have cars and a lot of freedom. a lot of peace of mind and space to do what we feel is right. And jobs. Though, we'd NEVER go back to corporate ever. But, you know a basic work ethic, so despite complaining about going to work everyday, which we only do occasionally, and the inability to take off whenever we please which we take off enough anyway, we do it, we go to work, BUT never too much nor too hard, and it affords us the lifestyle and ability to enjoy the other 128 hours in the week. Damn, I'm jealous of my own self. There are things I want, but there is nothing I need. Except to continue being true to myself. And enjoy the life we are living.

after tonight, I will no longer think

So don't expect me to do anything smart, professional, or classy. if i start doing rash and crazy things, please don't stop me, please just stand by and let me do it, you can watch, but know this is something i must do. i am officially on professional career-driven hair combing bullshit hiatus. rock and roll is all that is left for me now. rock and roll is all that i will ever be. love me or leave me.

Still pursuing la boheme'........

It's like I'm smelling the flowers now I tell my myself 'cuz these last few months, maybe even a year, has been a hiatus from music making. Or perhaps making sure once again that I am not OK just working in a career in a field that I chose. A helping profession, that brings great joy at the end of the day, ok, fine, great, contributing to the humanity, I need to do that, and thank god I do. Help the children brought into this world and dealt a shitty hand, and the families living in poverty, and the neighborhoods infested with drugs and gangs and no role models, a lack of role models. Children. No child left behind was a bullshit sacrament, set in place by our bullshit president, because so many children have still been left behind. I think it's important, what I do and have a lot of extreme political beliefs about it, and could devote my life to humanity and political activism, not just here but abroad, and if I have to work, which apparently I believe I have to work, because I've been doing it for years, and years, like a robot sometimes feeling brainwashed by my parents, by society and by colonial America which has taught it's children that YOU MUST believe in hard work, get an education, and then a decent job and be an upstanding member of society-that's what my parents taught me, expect of me- So I figured since I have to do it, work, be a professional adult I might as well do something that I believe in, that helps the state of the world today, every little bit counts, helps our country, our world, our planet, and no it does not pay me any money, so I really know I'm doing something worth something, but it affords me a decent livelihood and some other luxuries like a truck that runs and I can take off in and fly at my whimsy. And perhaps gets my parents off my back, if not just for the time being but then also maybe forces upon me more expecations, more and more robot mentality, and then I know I cannot do all of it, would never do most of it, but also feel some relief in knowing that since I now have the credibility, the paperwork that says I have studied my ass off for years and years, and passed with flying colors you can pay me even more money, and god-dammit I can make some damn money for a change, and then I can succumb to the epitome of the American Dream of running my own business, my own company. And, trust you me I am glad to do that, happy to do it, because it beats working for someone else, and so I would work towards it, continually because it is something I truly believe in, worked hard for and know I can do. Fabulous. It's true.

BUT, and it's a huge BUT at the end of the sentence and at the end of the week, there is something I still must do. I can't explain why I feel this way, but it's just the way that it is. And I started out on this path for a reason, reasons beyond my control, and though at times it's been mass chaos and fear, anxious, bad nerves, even scary at times, most likely because of the brain beating I've taken for so many years, the mass mind molding I was constantly forced to swallow, though I spit it out for many many years, and still spit on on sooo many levels, but finally I just shut up and took it. For love? Yeah, probably for love and a piece of security, because it eased the anxiety. And so now to sway off of an already golden-paved path, shiny and nice with flowers, a yellow brick road, and a bright sunny future, and friends with money a nice house in the city, and vintage clothes, and weekly massages and manicures and facials, to wander off on an unpaved dirt road with no road signs, and sometimes no sign of life, is a scary road to take, full of anxiety and dark clouds and fear. But I already did, something told me to do this and got me started on this road many many years ago and is continuing to take me down this road, and I can't turn back, I can't stop it. And it's true I've straddled two paths, not willing to let go of what I was taught, but still going down the road I know I must, that causes me knots and tangles and fear in my solar-plexis because I feel it so passionately. But the passion has turned into drive and drive into destiny. And soon, I know the paths will split, and I will be forced to choose. I already see that fork in front of me, and am packing my bags mentally. And sometimes I think it's scary for the other people because it's so unpredictable and crazy and they are the ones who feed the fear in me. Because they're so afraid of losing me, because I might suddenly find something that is worth something to me. That is far removed from the world we are told to live in, told to love and believe in. Far removed from anything we can live safely in. And I've also tried more muted, lesser versions of the art, the creativity, such as this writing, which seems to come so naturally, but also leaves me half-full or half-empty, however you want to interpret it. And in the last few months I've swallowed art, and independent films, and books, and museum exhibits, and rock shows, and new cd's and made mix tapes, and wrote poetry, but the truth cannot be ignored anymore.
I have to continue making music.

là où est le de Bohème

What is remaining of the Bohemian lifestyle has gone Underground, thanks to English Colonialism.

In India before the occupation of the British, dancers, musicians, artists, writers were treated with respect and majestic royalty, but after the British came tradition changed and now it is believed that these things are associated with prostitutes and whores. Naturally, and sex is seen as something as dirty. But remember the days of the Rajas and Ranees, in India, (Ranee means Queen, Raja King), when they ruled the land long before the Brits came over the Kama Sutra was being studied across the land. India was a land of jewels and beauty and love and art and all things Boheme. Now they get mad when an American actor kisses an Indian actress on the cheek. Yes, all repurcusions of the white man wanting Indian riches.

This leads me to think about our society here today in America- the land of gold and honey supposedly, where people across the country commute in their cars, or by train an average of 90 minutes a day to get to a 9 to 5 job, where they sit behind a computer and figure out numbers for 8 hours a day, only to end the day in traffic for another 45 minutes before getting home just in time to watch Desperate Housewives and fall asleep just to do it all over again. There is no art, no creativity, no relaxing, it is a prison. This society is a prison. We are imprisoned by our desire for material success, big house, nice car, etc at what cost a long ass drive to a job we hate. NO THANKS.

Then there are the ones who live on the fringe of society. The artists, the dancers, the lovers, the bohemians, musicians, artists, poets, etc.... who get slammed in the face of structure everyday because we do not have the big house, the great job in the sky with the corporate account, and perhaps we have lovers and we stay out late late late, and we smoke and drink and draw to our hearts content. la boheme. we indulge in our right brain. we ignore the head that which tells us to follow the grain. and yes, then we're ostracized outright. This is not a bohemian society. This is prison. I tell you.

People come, friends leave, plans change, life continues.....

Sometimes we get into a comfort zone. A groove. With our friends, our scene, our lives. Everything. And we're working it, working towards something. Then all of a sudden our world gets ripped out from underneath our feet. Someone leaves, plans change, and all of a sudden it feels like we have to rewrite the story, replace the characters, or we won't be able to continue on the path, whether its geographically, mentally, or metaphysically, it upsets our groove.

But think back. There was a time when you did not know this person, or this plan and who were you then? what were you thinking about doing then? It's a hard thing to try to go on with the thought of a big gaping hole in our day where that person was, where that plan was, and all of a sudden our life becomes sullen, lost, empty.

I think it's important to mourn the loss, accept the sadness that it brings, and most of all try not to replace it, or fill it. But I also think it is natural for us to try to force it- a new plan in it's place, a new friend in the place- only to find it falling very short, and leading you down a path ugly. Sure, a new plan is good, a new friend, but not to replace anything, not a plan b, but as a continuation of life.

This concept may sound weird, I mean after all, it's what we do "instead," but what I am saying is to think of it, as not "instead" but as what you would have done anyway. Because by replacing the plan, or the friend, we send ourself the message that we want to erase the plan, or the friend. replace=erase. Pretend it never existed. Protect ourselves from pain. And in so doing, we lose part of our identity. We forgo an important part of our path. Accepting that the plan has changed, or that the friend has moved allows us to grow together with the idea and evolve it into our new idea.

Relax. Unwind. Breathe into your life as it is. Accept the sadness, the anxiety, the fear as a sign of your life, your breath, your impending doom as all part of the journey of life, as it continues.....

age and change

Today is my 35th birthday, and I'm obsessed with age, which is a topic that has become just so cliche'd and boring. As I continue to live in and try to grow into what I believe to this chapter of adulthood, I look at the road behind me and ahead of me. And I think I've seen a lot, done a lot and have had a lot of fun. Friday night was a testament to the path that I have been on, but is it where I am going? I threw a party at Jumbo's Clown Room in Hollywood- because you can't pay me to throw a party at some bourgieos restaurant on the Sunset strip or trendy bar anywhere else in LA for that matter and I've tried that before, and realized it's not me, and when you do something that is not really yourself then it's not fun, but tense and tedious. So I did something that was representative of me - and lots of people showed up- from good Christian girls that I met in grad school to lesbians, from rock stars, tattooed strippers and bar hags, to corporate climbers. I love people of all sorts, am a student of human nature and human relationships and therefor am friends with all kinds of people and everyone, and I love to have fun. AND we did. We had fun. The party moved from point A Jumbo's to point B the 4100 Bar and finally to an my high school pal's house in Sliverlake. But, the night had to end for me, although many were still going strong when I left -what was kinda still- my own party. I made it home by 4am, tucked myself in just in time to NOT watch the sun come up. Waking up to watch the sun come up is nice (read- like the time in 2005 we got up at 3:30 am in Darjeeling India to make the pilgrimage to Tiger Hill to watch the sun come up over Mt. Everest- now that was nice...), BUT staying up all night partying to see it come up is fun in your teens, and 20's but in your mid-30's not so glamorous, and becomes tense and tedious too. I still go out, sometimes a lot but then often wonder why and come home swearing it off because I ended up at some trendy Hollywood bar with snobby people who have their priorities all mixed up. I still party and when I end up with cool friends like I did Friday night I'm ok. I still throw down with the best of them, SOMETIMEs. But mostly it just takes too long to recover.

As I look down the path, still sorta recovering from Friday night- um,it's Sunday and my back hurts and I know my age is really just an impending snail that sometimes goes faster than I want it to, but still I rejoice rejoice in where I've been, and wonder where I am going. As much fun as it was, I am so bored and tired with the dirty shady often shallow & limited drinking drugging night life lifestyle, and don't enjoy it so much anymore. Especially in the morning. It's fun for a birthday, but it's so kind of far removed from who I am the rest of the weeks. I still party, like I said, but those days are few and far between. Sometimes weeks go by before I have another drink. And months between such late nighters. For the last two years, midnight has been my shut off time. Midnight is the time I need to get home if I still wanna enjoy my day tomorrow, or go to work, and still if I've had a drink or two I feel tired, pooped and less than 100%.

SO how do the 35 and over have fun? It's a question I have been asking myself for the last 2.5 years, confused, because I don't know much else. Out to dinner has become a staple, hiking, picnics, museums, and of course work, as we get older work actually becomes enjoyable- feeling accomplished at the end of the day is a good feeling that does not involve late nights and alcohol. But, when do we stop going out? Never? We just stop going all night rave-style parties, or arena style rock shows and go to art openings, and more intimate events. But often sifting through the invitations is hard because the 23 year-old in me still thinks I gotta go to every social event or else I am missing out (remember I live in LA and there is always something going on, something to do). But I don't end up going to 90% of the things I get invited to, because at the end of the day I still wanna have time for myself, get some rest, and accomplish my own personal things. Is that selfish? It just seems that as you get older friends become less and important. I guess that scares me.

And there are so many things that scare me about getting older. There are people I know in my age bracket, who are married with children who have lost contact with the working world, moved out to the suburbs, got a picket fence which is not for me. I have friends who had to abandon the state altogether to get clean and sober, buy a house, and live under a blanket of conservatism in the countryside. A little extreme. And on the other spectrum I have friends that, still go out and drink a lot, do drugs and stay out all night still, watch the sun come up on a regular basis. And as I mentioned that tires me out. These things are not for me. So what is it that I want? This has been the question for the last few years.

Children? Maybe. I would love a house but it has to be in the city limits, read: NO PICKET FENCE, but that's such an expensive lifestyle, it's going to be years. And travel? Yes, ideally WORK related, such that it allows me to live in another country- read:India or I'll take anywhere in Asia- part time, and allows me to spend time with my family both here and overseas. And culture, art, and beauty: this means going to museums, watching independent films, reading, writing, playing the guitar. WORK. WORK. and WORK.

These are the things I want. And going to bars to party all night doesn't fit in so much anymore, but neither does it mean that I have to be a homebody having a picket fence and having no life, if that's not what I want. And I realize everyone's idea of getting older will be different. And the irony is that we're supposedly NOTG finding ourself anymore, at this point we're supposed to be in full swing the person we are going to be. But that is such bullshit. We are still figuring so much stuff out. Everything we learned in our 20's gets thrown out the window, because all the rules change, our bodies change, our desires change. That was my revelation Friday night at 4AM, when I just wanted my bed. Which I said aloud to my friends, and it just sounded so cliche'd and weird.

Fashion VS Style

You are born with style. Fashion is trends and name brands. And you can look hot WITHOUT spending a lot of money. Does everyone know this? Out of necesisity in my 20's I had to bargain hunt for hot looks, discount basements and thrifts stores were were I spent most of my free shopping time. The deal winner: Individual style, I knew that what I was buying was off the rack, and therefor far less likely that someone would own the same thing. It has now become a way of life for me.

It's a rhetorical question. Because I know people who are broke, who dress sloppily because they "can't afford it" supposedly, and/or on the other spectrum, or maybe it's the other side of the same coin I also know "name brand whores" who well, will buy something off the rack, ready to wear, at an overprice, because they can, or even if they can't afford it, because they do not have time to spend on themselves nor creativity to dress themselves. BUT, I know broke people, (and I know a lot of 'em!) that could care less about name brands, know their style, know their body and always look HOT without being trendy, and name-branded. AND, the best part is these peeps would never even think of buying a $600 chanel bag even if they had the money. THAT IS WHAT STYLE IS ABOUT. But, now-a-days I admit I do it too, once in a while. I like designer jeans, because they fit me better than a cheap pair, and becaus I love denim, and like jeans I can fall asleep in...., or I buy nice name brand sexy bras (which is a complete other topic,) because a well fitted bra can make a huge difference (and no Victoria Secret is not a name brand, they are a conglomerate consumer marketed for fancy footed and fickle teenagers, because they look cute, but don't really do anything for the figure, and fall apart all too soon. If you're interested I can tell you more, some great name brand lingerie is Felina, and Natori.) So for me it's beautiful sexy bras and tough rugged jeans. BUT, if you can't afford it then don't sweat it, I say. Developing your style is an art, (think of yourself as a pallette) and bargain hunting is often a time consuming skill, but it an be done cheap and easy. You have to decide. An hour, maybe on your lunch break, a couple times a month, honing thrift stores is a lot cheaper that lunching at Barneys after buying ONE $400 blouse that you took off a rack where 5 other EXACT replicas of the same blouse remained on the rack for others to buy. $400- and you run the risk of other people owning it. Think personal style- not something you can buy off a rack. But you need to spend some time on it, on yourself, because after all it's YOUR LOOK, your persona, your characther, your art project, and often your first impression and more. And once you get good at it, it becomes FAST and low maintenece. READ: NEO-Nazi Feminists who cannot be bothered with make-up and/or clothes, who believe that clothes are for the male world- there is the low maintenence side to style, but it's an art. CREATIVITY is the soul of life. ARE YOU READY TO EMBRACE IT?

1) Know your body type- are you short? tall? thin? stocky? Find the styles that accentuate your positive aspects and that you like. Wearing something because it accentuates your height, but is not your style will make you look and feel uncomfortable. And wearing something that you love on the hanger, or that everyone else is wearing, but that doesn't fit your body type will also make you feel uncomfortable. And be realistic, if you've put on weight, don't be shy about buying a larger size, a better fit will make you look and feel better. Weight is arbitrary. Think about the sexy pin up girls, voluptuos, sexy, and full & happy.

2) Have a specific style- THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. Because if you don't have a keynote style then you will fall prey to trends. Having a style means you will find pieces, some pieces every season, but not an entirely new wardrobe where old pieces don't match your look anymore (i.e "that is so last season" is a pretentious saying that only the designer whores follow, but remember that the actual designers always stick to their keynote style, "last season" only applies to people who follow fashion trends not the ones who create them.) For example, are you a jeans and t-shirts kind of girl (yes, like me), but you love jackets, scarves and boots? You can dress up your outfit with a denim skirt and jacket with boots for going out, or dress it down with jeans. The accessories must be specific to you too, tights or something if your more edgy, the style of boot, etc.. Or are you a dress kinda girl? floral prints, strappy sandals? or are you a low cut, cleavage shower? figure out what it is that you love on yourself and play it up. Specific style is a combination of what you like and what looks good on you with your own taste and touch added in. It will only evolve with time, and get updated as trends change but your personal style will never change.

3) Love it, Live it, Own it- If you think it looks good on you, it does. When you look good but don't feel 100% confident, others know it and thats when the haters, the jealousy, the meanness and the cattyness come out in others. But if you look good and feel confident you will fend off the haters and be a trend-setter. People may even copy you.

4)Spend some time on yourself. Spend an evening alone at home once a month when you try on different outfits, different looks. Think of what you wear as an ART. CREATIVITY.

When you have your style figured out, the rest falls into place. And maybe keeping up with the trends is your style (but how is that individual? I don't know) and if you can afford it, fine, but if it's not in your budget, just remember it does not have to be trendy to be fashionable, nor in fashion to be stylish. And just because everyone else is wearing it, doesn't mean it will be right for you. Personal style goes a much longer way and won't break the bank. EVER. Also, beware of trends and fashion, and name brands, besides breaking the bank and going out of style, they may suck your soul of any creativity and individuality you have.

India-The Motherland

About a year ago I read in Time magazine that East Indian's are a successful minority because of the way they intersperse and intermingle with Western society. Indian's are scattered everywhere, and like many other cultures in the Western world don't necessarily feel the need to glom on to their own kind. Many people take this to mean that Indian's are disconnected from their roots.

Most Indian's in the Western world are actually very connected to their roots and often like most minorities do have a difficult time accepting Western culture. This difficulty can either 1) lead to the point where they have to disown their culture a lot, and fit in to the Western standard a lot before letting go and finding a more peaceful middle ground or 2) Exist as very Un-American. Most immigrants and minorities from other countries will find this is true. And, yes they even have technical names for these like Assimilation and Acculturation, (right now I forget which is which) to describe different levels of "fitting in" with Western society.

So, why do East Indians tend to be so interspersed? Now-a-days there might be a token Indian at the workplace, in your school, or in certain fields there may be even more. There are way more Indian's over here than when I was growing up in the 70's and 80's. I think often because of the higher levels of education in subjects like Engineering (Math) and Medicine coupled with the long distance- New Delhi is the halfway point around the world to San Francisco and considering it's the 2nd most populated country in the world there is a considerably low presence here in the states- Indians are forced to stand on their own and to be independent. Indian's are an independent people, highly educated and often leaving their families behind in India in search of jobs. But because of the distance and the strong Indian roots the rest of the family will never make the trip over here. They have no desire. Because contrary to what most American's think, life is actually very difficult here, lonely and very different. But for years there have been no jobs in India, highly educated people with no work, sitting around twiddling their thumbs, listening to the noise in the streets, inhaling diesel pollution, in a country overrun by poverty. America and Europe have had an open door policy for Indians who want to come and work, make western wages in dollars or pounds, and make a different life for themselves. The difference is that most Indians don't see this as a better life. Why leave the beautiful Motherland to live in a country where your family and culture will be forgotten? Most Indians choose not to.

The ones that do come over here, if they're lucky, go home eventually.

New Tirade: THE BURBS.......

Can I just say I hate the BURBS? For my day job I have to drive all over Los Angeles county, including the San Gabriel Valley. CAN YOU SAY COOKIE CUTTER? SAY IT LOUD TWENTY MILLION TIMES. Ok, this kind of goes back to the previous tirade about religion. The people out here are so very different from the world in which I live (read: West Hollywood, exactly one block from where the transvestite prostitutes sell their platforms for crack, and two blocks from Marc Jacobs). It's so diverse (where I live) the pendulum swinging from one extreme to the next in seconds, not to mention there is life, activity, color. Not in San Dimas, made popular by the infamous Beavis and Butthead, (read: BUTTHEAD). We could be in the middle of America, no one would ever be the wiser. Who would guess we are only 40 miles from Los Angeles. The San Gabriel Valley is the Bible Belt of Los Angeles.

What do I dislike about it? Well as I drove out here from Watts, CA- read: South Central Los Angeles, first off it took me 1 hour and 15 minutes, why? Because of traffic. CAN YOU SAY SHEEP? SAY IT LOUD. I did. I yelled it for the last 20 minutes of my torturous drive on the 605 north as I headed East on the 210 towards San Bernardino. Everyone lives out here. I mean, EVERYONE, but NO ONE I know. What are these people like? What do these people do? (read: what are these people wearing?) Well, they have day jobs, and families, and they go to church, and they take a two week vacation each year, probably to Minnesota or Virginia, and they eat steak 4 nights a week, and drink 2% milk, they take their kids to Starbucks for a venti double double chocolate something which is as healthy as sunbathing on your roof and has so much caffeine in it for their already overfed children who are going to stop for Kentucky Fried Chicken on the way home anyway, well maybe they'll burn it off. And hopefully next year they'll get that upgrade at work, so they can get that upgrade on their wide screen television, and give this one to the rec room for the boys to enjoy football every Sunday. It's not that it's a bad life- the quality of life is easier, laid back, and status quo- but that's just it, status quo, it's middle of the road, it's middle of America and the desire to do anything outside of the box is muted, the desire to seek knowledge about life outside is muted. It's like the whole area is under a blanket, nice, safe and sheltered. My problem with this Stepford wife mentality is that it's bull-shit, full of secrets, lies and taboos, and its a breeding ground for Hate, for discrimination, sexism, racism, and genderism, languageism, to name a few and only somewhat better than the ignorance and violence found in our country's ghetto, poverty-stricken streets where gang violence and drugs reign, which are this way because of lack of resources, read: money and education. In the burbs money and education are two things that are readily available, but totally not taken advantage of, instead they are used to brainwash, mold and produce robotic androids that strive for the minimal knowledge, and maximum material goods, bigger house, bigger car, bigger TV, which is all offset because they will go to church on Sunday and wash their sins away. I understand the need for Church in our poor neighborhoods, but in the burbs, its just an attestation to people's fear of truly being who they are. And it's the kids I feel bad for, growing up in a shiny, clean, manicured world where no one exercises personal taste, and difference is frowned upon. So, what is going to happen to them when they get older? Life will slap them in the face, if it isn't already doing so now. With such a narrow, restricted and limited view of the world being spoon fed to them they are striving to be something that is not realistic for everyone. SHEEP. Can you say SHEEP? Everything seems nice, peaceful, so nice. But, I am missing culture, color, style, art, and individuality. MUTED. People are muted. People's thoughts are muted. And I am on my way to treat a family that lives here. If only I could really help them. But I won't be able to do much to change the inherent "If I buy those jeans, I could look like Kate Moss" (read: Lily Allen) attitude. And in two hours, I will be on my way back to the urban glory of Los Angeles, lights, people, bad credit, poverty, gunfire, my favorite donuts/Korean pizza shop at the corner of graffiti and pimps & ho's, and the Hebrew music wafting threw the courtyard of the building in which my small one-bedroom apartment sits, smack in the middle of chaos, next door to the old theatre that plays Queer movies year round. And to me that is peaceful. Thank you very much. Being given the space to think and do as I feel is natural. Thank you. peace-out.

the price of religion

i know too many people who were raised by the beatings of some religion. just shut up and observe, i keep telling myself. but, i cannot get over the blind faith. i'm a lot ignorant though, because I know nothing about Jesus, Mohammed, or the Messiahs. My family is Hindu, and though they are rather religious, it was never forced upon us. I'm a sorry Hindu. But much of Hinduism is based on mythology. Not real persons. Well, the mythical characters were based on real entities at some point I guess. But i still cannot get over the blind faith- particularly in the area of shunning human sexuality. why is sex and sexuality seen as taboo? something only to be done within the sacrament of marriage or a committed relationship. It's 2007 and I think we should be so far ahead in the future, we live on the west coast right? but I still have girlfriends who call themselves sluts because they fulfill their sexual desires with people they know they'd never spend the rest of their lives with. or sleep with bras on at night for fear of them sagging in old age. come on ladies. it is not 1950, or so i thought. Let your sex free. Let your boobs free. I gotta go to work now. I'll continue this tirade later.

the path

I don't even try to argue anymore when I hear shallow (by shallow I mean it's usually vain, arrogant, meaningless) statements people make about themselves that are either 1) fishing for compliments or 2) meant to put other people down by making themselves look better, where I would once listen and try to understand their words, address their passive aggression by responding, once in a while counteract with something rude, or brush it under the rug. Now, I look at the person and I think to myself "No way are we going down this path again." I don't respond and I leave that person alone. Possibly for good. I don't want that energy in my life anymore. Los Angeles. California. Any big city in America. It won't change when I am in SF, or NYC. People wanna know people, appear cool, perhaps they are searching for thier identity, I am not sure, what I do know is that people are so disconnected from what is important, and so blind-sided by the american dream whether it be the idealized lifestyle of fame (yes rockstardom is included here) or image (um...being thin, or tattooed or pierced because it's cool and supposedly sets you apart not because it's representative of them though really) or status (owning property, having the nice car, basically being rich) that people forget who they themselves truly are, and what they stand for.

Veganism- Here is an example of something I am doing because of my political beliefs, and yes, people think I am doing it because of my health, because I am trying to lose weight or something. No honey, in India we are brought up to be kind to animals. What our country is doing to turn a profit: the meat industry is really disgusting. It's a hard road for me esp because I love leather boots & leather jackets. Not because I like meat, in fact I rarely eat pork, or beef. Chicken is the one thing I do eat, and I can substitute it with beans, and tofu. Still its hard. I already avoid cheese and eggs. Still its hard and it really gets frustrating when people tell me, "beans don't really have a lot of protein," or "i love meat, what would I do without meat?" Seriously? I am disgusted by the meat industry and your loving meat is disgusting to me, not to mention protein? Seriously? Protein can be gleaned from leafy veggies. get a clue.

Kundalini Yoga-I like to meditate. It helps me stay in touch with my values, and beliefs. Once again people think I do it for weight loss or something. Please don't compare kundalini to your kick boxing class. Quite a different phenomenon. There is nothing aerobic about Yoga (unless you do Bikram) and America is so obsessed with weight loss that they forget that being in a comfortable happy mental place cures most ailments including over-eating.

Maybe its my age. I'll be 35 in a month. At 26 I was wild, I was a transient, moving around, getting high, I made no money, I played in a reggae band, and I was traveling aound Egypt. The 26 year olds I know are career driven. It's a very different place I am at now watching what is very traditional to me. So, when I get advice from these traditional minded people, who by the way remind me of my mother and have no idea about my experience nor the bravado to live that life, who on top of reminding me of my mother are almost ten years younger than me, I feel irked and resentful. And tired. I am tired of educating, placating people's arrogance and fighting all the time for what I believe to be true and real, so sometimes it's just easier to shut up and walk away.

Trannie Faux Pais

Ok, I am about to admit a little ignorant statement I made the other day. Then, I will defend my reasons, but all the while acknowledging how ignorant I sounded and how wrong I was.

I was having dinner with my newfound friend/colleague last week in the heart of West Hollywood. It was a warm night, and I ordered a glass of white wine. It was Monday night, and the only reason it has taken me so long to write about it is because I got ill that night with some sort of flu-bug, then hives for 3 days, and today was the first day I felt better. Ok, so back to my story. My friend is a doctor. She is also transgendered. She has a practice a block away from mine and she provides medical care for transgendered individuals. She is obviously (or not maybe to all) a M2F, or Male to Female, and identifies not only as a female but as a lesbian. This is key when dealing with people. Acknowledge and accept their gender. Well, I was buzzing, and then I found out she plays drums! Well, my rock band always said we wanted a "Trannie Drummer," we blatantly wanted Hedwig or someone as fabulous as Hedwig, and once we even advertised that: "We require un drummer. Are you he? she? a he/she?" OK. That ad was politically incorrect on a lot of levels, I mean the use of "un," a Spanish word, mid sentence is rude, and then a he/she? how insensitive. who is going to respond, "Hi, I am he/she, and I play drums?" Naturally, that's what we wanted, were dying for, searching for, being glam fans of the likes of David Bowie, Iggy Pop and movies like the Velvet Goldmine. We dreamed of that person. But, in this day and age homophobia is so great that although slightly unrelated, are people truly going to admit they are in between two sexes? People want to be associated with one gender or the other. This is why people transition. So, I really offended my friend by saying "Oh my god, we've always wanted a tranny drummer." Bam. Foot in mouth. Naturally and thankfully she corrected me. She is not a drag queen, nor just a cross-dresser, she is just what she is, and don't you ever forget it. So I learned a valuable lesson. Not all transgendered individuals can nor want to exist in "trans"it. Mind you, I lived in San Francisco in the 90's, prior to the mainstreaming of sex reassignment surgery, when most people had to, without choice, exist in the "trans." But, it is also highly accepted in San Francisco to be in the "trans". There are butch women (seriously butch with beards, strapped down breasts and -on dildo's) all over the place, who do not opt for the surgery. There are drag queens and kings and and there is a large scene for them. Most do not opt for the surgery, they do not have to for there is a world for them where they belong. This is NOT the case here in Los Angeles, out in the real world I guess, and I am sadened for my professional, hard-working friends who feel they can only gain acceptance by going all the way. I've never been one to go all the way.

So, as I help the African American and Latino prostitutes dressed in drag on Santa Monica Blvd get off the streets, get off the needles, and get into homes, I am all of a sudden awakened to difference of class. Would these kids still be drag queens if given the opportunity to have the surgery?

As I walk down the street late at night in West Hollywood past the drag shows, with my gal pal who loves "trannies," I am reminded that these are drag queens, they are performers, female impersonaters, and theatrical workers. They are sex workers. And possibly, they would be out of work. And they are those who can because of their profession perhaps, exist in the "trans", a demi-monde or underworld of living in between.

And not everyone is like that.

Sex and Violence

In Ireland until as recently as 1996, they had what were called the Magdalena Asylums, where women were sent, separated from society for things like having babies out of wedlock, and flirting with boys. At the asylum they were stripped of all belongings, money, integrity, and treated like whores. They were forced to do laundry and humiliated by catholic nuns. They were beaten when they broke the rules. They were beaten for having sexual thoughts. They were taught that things like sexuality, and suicide were immoral. Of course the women who worked there-the nuns- followed and believed these rules almost blindly.

I am frustrated by this sex and violence mindset. why is sex not ok, and violence ok? why is it ok to beat, demoralize, and physically harm one another, but love one another openly such a demoralizing crime? what is the western religions reasoning for feeling that sex is such a crime? And only aloud within marriage? What is this designed to control? Create order among chaos? And marriage? what is marriage designed to control? our natural tendency towards being poly-amorous?

The violent mindset prevails still today in this country (military state). And sexuality still several steps in the dark. Children are forbidden to watch sexual scenes on TV, yet allowed to watch violence on network prime time tv. Sex on TV is saved for the late night hours, when the kids are asleep and it's way past dark. Thus promoting sex as something that must occur in the darkest most recesses of our day.

Homophobia, ALIVE and WELL

Last night my best friend and I had dinner. Unfortunately she lives in a different city, on a different coast, than I do, and we get together now maybe 3 or 4 times a year, if we're lucky. But there was a time, in our youth, in our past when we got to spend a lot of time together, growing, learning about our own identity, and the diversity that life has to offer. We were both fortunate enough to come of age together in this way in a city blessed with diversity. And now that we're separated, because we're also both blessed with the explorer-gene, can't sit still, and couldn't stay in that small liberal city, when I see her I am reminded of how often I forget how much homophobia we really have to swallow on a daily basis, out here in the real world.

Growing up in middle and working class neighborhoods of northern California, we were both, like most, exposed to extreme traditional views: get an education, get married, have children. And everything else that goes along with it, buy a house, work a 9 to 5, be a hard working mule doing an honorable job, and once married of course, stay together at whatever the cost. Both of our parents are still married. This is a simplified version of the truth, obviously, as I am short on time, as usual, but basically we were spoon fed this conservstive mind-set, which many people eat up and never question. Luckily for us, somehow, we got out.

We were freed from Suburbia, and let loose into the wild jungle, where we were educated on things like Racism, Sexism and Homophobia, and then some. We were taught to think outside of the tiny box we were expected to fit into. We were allowed to have thoughts different from the norm, individual thought. For me this was a life changing period in my life putting everything into my life into perspective. Making everything in my life a matter of politics. And changing my path for the rest of my life.

Today, although I live in this big city of Los Angeles, I am aware of the repression around me, and in this country. We are moving slowly forward on things like Racism and Sexism. Today in America there are several Black channels, and in Los Angeles there are Latino channels, Korean, Philipino, Arabic and Indian channels. We are becoming more and more aware of races, different cultures. We are also learning to appreciate more and more women in the workforce, making a living, yet still expected to raise children. We are exposed to more gay lifestyles on TV. Yes. BUT, I still meet everyday homophobic people. And as my best friend pointed out, it's now politically incorrect to say racist remarks. People in this country are now, increasingly, VERY CAREFUL about saying anything racist, or prejudice based on color at least in the presence of someone of color or a different culture. HOWEVER, this do not hold true regarding HOMOPHOBIA. It is, it seems, increasingly so perhaps even, socially accepted, if not EXPECTED to be homophobic. People are revered and respected when they reveal their homophobic views. People are applauded when the talk negatively about gays. It is socially appreciated to be homophobic. People of all races, people who have experienced racism, sexism, prejudice based on weight, height, disability or other are homophobic. We are expected to stand up against racism, but there is something inherently wrong with us if we take a stand against homphobia. Gay or not. What people fail to recognize is that as long as we are homophobic, or prejudice to anyone regarding anything that has to do with human variation then racism, sexism, or prejudice towards differences will continue to exist.

There was a study. About homophobia. The long of the short basically, the results: The ones that tended to be homophobic are the ones who were more turned on by homosexual stimuli. How's that for you America? By being homophobic and by preaching heterosexuality, you are really just telling on yourself, that you are afraid of your own feelings towards the same sex. Proving thus that HOMOSEXUALITY is a NATURAL phenomenon of human nature. That so many more people than are ready to admit to it are out there hiding it, lying about it, defacing it and living their life in the shadows of the bible, tradition and society. AFRAID to admit, and worse covering up their feelings by DISCRIMINATING those who are openly gay. Sad. Sad. Sad people indeed.

For this reason, I have dedicated my life to the promotion of ALL things having to do with sexuality. I strongly believe that at the core of discrimination are these gender defined roles and societal expectations, roles, rules and expectations who's boundaries cross all ethnicities and all cultures. The only thing that can cure world discrimination and prejudice has a little something to do with color, but has everything to do with our gender roles. And at the core of these roles you will find sexuality and the lack of openness to variations in sexuality is the cause of a lot of world pain.

Violence, and the state of the nation today. Parents don't talk to their children about sex. Parents turn the TV off during sex scenes, but sit with their children while watching COPS or some gory film like Blade. The message: Violence is ok. Sexuality is taboo. And, as my friend says, violence is ok, as America prepares its young boys for war. Yes. To join the military, The Military. Our country has become a military state. A violent military nation, who turns a blind eye when violence rears its ugly head and turns its back on education. Parents: talk to your kids about sex. Don't be afraid.

An Issue of Gender

A little addendum to the transgender info printed in an earlier blog. The information was taked from Dr. Ava Cadell's newsletter, an esteemed Sexologist in the field of sex therapy, sex education and sex work. I did want to clarify that there are different spellings. In her article she spells Transsexual with 2 "s"s. This actually refers to the Psychiatric field, and their spelling. The other spelling is Transexual, with 1 "s" which is a new and improved spelling by the Trans community itself in an attemp to "divorce the word from the realm of psychiatry and medicine and place it in the realm of identity." (wikipedia, 2006).

Also the word Transgender is almost a better word to use, as it subtracts sex and sexuality from the occasion and makes it an issue of Gender, not sex. Not to mention it includes others such as Crossdressers, dragkings/queens and the gender queer. So, it is more of an umbrella, all inclusive, politically correct term.

The Irony of Hetero-Phobia

I've seen it too many times before, and now I see it on TV. Hetero-phobia. It's a good thing that it is on TV, because the reality is that it does exist. TV is only portraying reality, but as real as it is, it is still ugly, and backwards. And makes me wanna cringe. Homosexuality, Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, Queer, Trans lifestyles are alternatives lifestyles, yes, still. The underdog, but the liberated underdog. Supposedly. The lifestyle the shirks the bible and tradition, and traditional roles for women and men, and in so many ways is such a brave lifestyle. Because there is still so much homophobia. Same-sexed couples cannot walk down the street holding hands, without there always being the fear of backlash, of hate. We all know this too well. But yet when straight people, whom we automatically expect to be homophobic, come in the presence of a homosexual individual whom we automatically expect to be more accepting and kinder because of being supposedly liberated, it's like this phenomenon of human nature occurs, the liberated nature of the homosexual person disappears, this person feels compelled to remind the hetero of the phobia they the homo has experienced, and an urge to blatantly flail and promote the alternative lifestyle, reminding the straight person of the liberation they are missing. It's true, in many ways the homosexual experiences a lot of the freedoms the heteros cannot, freedom from society's rules, whereas the hetero has freedoms the homosexual does not, marriage, walking down the street holding hands without the fear of fear. The heterosexual does not need to flaunt the freedom that everyone knows is theirs, whereas the homosexual has so much joy he/she wants to share with the rest of the world, but it comes across as hetero-phobia.

When in reality:
where is the liberation in the hetero-phobia?

The homosexual has had to learn to live with discrimination. Discrimination is suffering, depleting self esteem, the ego takes over and lashes out: hetero-phobia. Anger at the hetero-sexual world, where most homosexuals feel many heterosexuals are living a lie. If they would just come out, homophobia would slowly become erased. Eradicated into the past. Slowly. But, I am here to remind that hetero-phobia is not necesarily the answer. Befriend the opponent, join forces and unite, forget your self esteem, your ego and educate don't eliminate. That's my 2 cents for the day.

Gender and Sexuality

We live in an angry world. A lesbian tells her transsexual lover, a woman who suffers inherently because she feels as though she is in the wrong body: trapped essentially in the body of a woman on the outside when in fact she feels like a man inside, that this relationships is ill-fated because one is a lesbian, which by definition is a woman who loves women, and the other wants to be a straight man, hence no longer a woman loving women. "We are clearly different," she says. One hates men, the other wants to be a man. So the story goes.

We live in a political world with invisible lines and unspoken rules. A world where being a minority in and of itself does not cause one to inherit an empathic bone towards other minorities due to a similar difference of say gender choice, but where competition ensues regardless.

Gender confusion is one thing. Gender hatred another. Homophobia another. We can't accept one another for our egos, our baggage, our core schemas and beliefs get in the way, blur our visions and force us to hate. When we're only fighting different sides of the same coin: gender and sexuality.

The girl who is attracted to a girl, and the the girl who is attracted to a girl like a man would be, one could aruge from the lesbians point of view: that the transsexual is not accepting of homosexuality, wants to change her sex to that of the male gender and then live straight. This angers the girl who has turned her back on in many cases and is giving up the straight world. Since when did a transsexual fit into a heterosexual category is perhaps the lesbian confusion? To her, it's political. To the transsexual it's dysphoria and confusion through out life.

Remember we all have our own demons. No one else must live with them but us. The lesbian fights her own battle of homophobia and sexism, but must remember the path of reality for the transgender is just as much a part of the overall struggle and the big picture. The point is not to get so caught up in the physics of our views, but to read in between the lines and get your head out of the freezer.