deference

I saw a movie yesterday where a man, who had left his family 20 years prior comes back when one of the grandchildren invites him to his bar mitzvah (yeah, its a cheesy feel good family movie that i got sucked into as i sometimes do- you might know it). So he comes back 20 years later with his now young, hippie girlfriend, and of course his kids are pissed at him for being gone so long, for not being there during their important years, for showing up with this girlfriend that is their age, for abandoning their mom etc... as they should be, but mom and dad are happy to see one another, are happy because they did once share a bond. Sure, mom struggled during those years when he left, he was gone, but in the movie she acknowledges that dad's leaving had something to do with her too. The kids of course are still mad, and I'm not saying that he should've stayed or left, he did what he felt he had to do and now he has to pay the price for abandoning his children. And children are self-absorbed as they are often taught to be, because often parent's will defer their feelings and well-being for their children who end up having to guess about their parent's real feelings, history and identity which exist outside of the children. complex and complicated indeed. My point being is that often times the parent who leaves is the one who is blamed because the parent who stays with the children have all the power over the children, just as they perhaps did over the relationship and leaving was the only option for the leaver, the parent has 100% of the child's attention and is able to paint the leaver to their perspective, and the leaver cannot defend him/herself. All I am saying is that it is a nice, and rare gesture when the parent who is left behind with the burden of raising the children, of being dumped and abandoned, and of the truth of their relationship, defers to honesty instead of hate, anger, and blame.