It's like I'm smelling the flowers now I tell my myself 'cuz these last few months, maybe even a year, has been a hiatus from music making. Or perhaps making sure once again that I am not OK just working in a career in a field that I chose. A helping profession, that brings great joy at the end of the day, ok, fine, great, contributing to the humanity, I need to do that, and thank god I do. Help the children brought into this world and dealt a shitty hand, and the families living in poverty, and the neighborhoods infested with drugs and gangs and no role models, a lack of role models. Children. No child left behind was a bullshit sacrament, set in place by our bullshit president, because so many children have still been left behind. I think it's important, what I do and have a lot of extreme political beliefs about it, and could devote my life to humanity and political activism, not just here but abroad, and if I have to work, which apparently I believe I have to work, because I've been doing it for years, and years, like a robot sometimes feeling brainwashed by my parents, by society and by colonial America which has taught it's children that YOU MUST believe in hard work, get an education, and then a decent job and be an upstanding member of society-that's what my parents taught me, expect of me- So I figured since I have to do it, work, be a professional adult I might as well do something that I believe in, that helps the state of the world today, every little bit counts, helps our country, our world, our planet, and no it does not pay me any money, so I really know I'm doing something worth something, but it affords me a decent livelihood and some other luxuries like a truck that runs and I can take off in and fly at my whimsy. And perhaps gets my parents off my back, if not just for the time being but then also maybe forces upon me more expecations, more and more robot mentality, and then I know I cannot do all of it, would never do most of it, but also feel some relief in knowing that since I now have the credibility, the paperwork that says I have studied my ass off for years and years, and passed with flying colors you can pay me even more money, and god-dammit I can make some damn money for a change, and then I can succumb to the epitome of the American Dream of running my own business, my own company. And, trust you me I am glad to do that, happy to do it, because it beats working for someone else, and so I would work towards it, continually because it is something I truly believe in, worked hard for and know I can do. Fabulous. It's true.
BUT, and it's a huge BUT at the end of the sentence and at the end of the week, there is something I still must do. I can't explain why I feel this way, but it's just the way that it is. And I started out on this path for a reason, reasons beyond my control, and though at times it's been mass chaos and fear, anxious, bad nerves, even scary at times, most likely because of the brain beating I've taken for so many years, the mass mind molding I was constantly forced to swallow, though I spit it out for many many years, and still spit on on sooo many levels, but finally I just shut up and took it. For love? Yeah, probably for love and a piece of security, because it eased the anxiety. And so now to sway off of an already golden-paved path, shiny and nice with flowers, a yellow brick road, and a bright sunny future, and friends with money a nice house in the city, and vintage clothes, and weekly massages and manicures and facials, to wander off on an unpaved dirt road with no road signs, and sometimes no sign of life, is a scary road to take, full of anxiety and dark clouds and fear. But I already did, something told me to do this and got me started on this road many many years ago and is continuing to take me down this road, and I can't turn back, I can't stop it. And it's true I've straddled two paths, not willing to let go of what I was taught, but still going down the road I know I must, that causes me knots and tangles and fear in my solar-plexis because I feel it so passionately. But the passion has turned into drive and drive into destiny. And soon, I know the paths will split, and I will be forced to choose. I already see that fork in front of me, and am packing my bags mentally. And sometimes I think it's scary for the other people because it's so unpredictable and crazy and they are the ones who feed the fear in me. Because they're so afraid of losing me, because I might suddenly find something that is worth something to me. That is far removed from the world we are told to live in, told to love and believe in. Far removed from anything we can live safely in. And I've also tried more muted, lesser versions of the art, the creativity, such as this writing, which seems to come so naturally, but also leaves me half-full or half-empty, however you want to interpret it. And in the last few months I've swallowed art, and independent films, and books, and museum exhibits, and rock shows, and new cd's and made mix tapes, and wrote poetry, but the truth cannot be ignored anymore.
I have to continue making music.
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