age and change

Today is my 35th birthday, and I'm obsessed with age, which is a topic that has become just so cliche'd and boring. As I continue to live in and try to grow into what I believe to this chapter of adulthood, I look at the road behind me and ahead of me. And I think I've seen a lot, done a lot and have had a lot of fun. Friday night was a testament to the path that I have been on, but is it where I am going? I threw a party at Jumbo's Clown Room in Hollywood- because you can't pay me to throw a party at some bourgieos restaurant on the Sunset strip or trendy bar anywhere else in LA for that matter and I've tried that before, and realized it's not me, and when you do something that is not really yourself then it's not fun, but tense and tedious. So I did something that was representative of me - and lots of people showed up- from good Christian girls that I met in grad school to lesbians, from rock stars, tattooed strippers and bar hags, to corporate climbers. I love people of all sorts, am a student of human nature and human relationships and therefor am friends with all kinds of people and everyone, and I love to have fun. AND we did. We had fun. The party moved from point A Jumbo's to point B the 4100 Bar and finally to an my high school pal's house in Sliverlake. But, the night had to end for me, although many were still going strong when I left -what was kinda still- my own party. I made it home by 4am, tucked myself in just in time to NOT watch the sun come up. Waking up to watch the sun come up is nice (read- like the time in 2005 we got up at 3:30 am in Darjeeling India to make the pilgrimage to Tiger Hill to watch the sun come up over Mt. Everest- now that was nice...), BUT staying up all night partying to see it come up is fun in your teens, and 20's but in your mid-30's not so glamorous, and becomes tense and tedious too. I still go out, sometimes a lot but then often wonder why and come home swearing it off because I ended up at some trendy Hollywood bar with snobby people who have their priorities all mixed up. I still party and when I end up with cool friends like I did Friday night I'm ok. I still throw down with the best of them, SOMETIMEs. But mostly it just takes too long to recover.

As I look down the path, still sorta recovering from Friday night- um,it's Sunday and my back hurts and I know my age is really just an impending snail that sometimes goes faster than I want it to, but still I rejoice rejoice in where I've been, and wonder where I am going. As much fun as it was, I am so bored and tired with the dirty shady often shallow & limited drinking drugging night life lifestyle, and don't enjoy it so much anymore. Especially in the morning. It's fun for a birthday, but it's so kind of far removed from who I am the rest of the weeks. I still party, like I said, but those days are few and far between. Sometimes weeks go by before I have another drink. And months between such late nighters. For the last two years, midnight has been my shut off time. Midnight is the time I need to get home if I still wanna enjoy my day tomorrow, or go to work, and still if I've had a drink or two I feel tired, pooped and less than 100%.

SO how do the 35 and over have fun? It's a question I have been asking myself for the last 2.5 years, confused, because I don't know much else. Out to dinner has become a staple, hiking, picnics, museums, and of course work, as we get older work actually becomes enjoyable- feeling accomplished at the end of the day is a good feeling that does not involve late nights and alcohol. But, when do we stop going out? Never? We just stop going all night rave-style parties, or arena style rock shows and go to art openings, and more intimate events. But often sifting through the invitations is hard because the 23 year-old in me still thinks I gotta go to every social event or else I am missing out (remember I live in LA and there is always something going on, something to do). But I don't end up going to 90% of the things I get invited to, because at the end of the day I still wanna have time for myself, get some rest, and accomplish my own personal things. Is that selfish? It just seems that as you get older friends become less and important. I guess that scares me.

And there are so many things that scare me about getting older. There are people I know in my age bracket, who are married with children who have lost contact with the working world, moved out to the suburbs, got a picket fence which is not for me. I have friends who had to abandon the state altogether to get clean and sober, buy a house, and live under a blanket of conservatism in the countryside. A little extreme. And on the other spectrum I have friends that, still go out and drink a lot, do drugs and stay out all night still, watch the sun come up on a regular basis. And as I mentioned that tires me out. These things are not for me. So what is it that I want? This has been the question for the last few years.

Children? Maybe. I would love a house but it has to be in the city limits, read: NO PICKET FENCE, but that's such an expensive lifestyle, it's going to be years. And travel? Yes, ideally WORK related, such that it allows me to live in another country- read:India or I'll take anywhere in Asia- part time, and allows me to spend time with my family both here and overseas. And culture, art, and beauty: this means going to museums, watching independent films, reading, writing, playing the guitar. WORK. WORK. and WORK.

These are the things I want. And going to bars to party all night doesn't fit in so much anymore, but neither does it mean that I have to be a homebody having a picket fence and having no life, if that's not what I want. And I realize everyone's idea of getting older will be different. And the irony is that we're supposedly NOTG finding ourself anymore, at this point we're supposed to be in full swing the person we are going to be. But that is such bullshit. We are still figuring so much stuff out. Everything we learned in our 20's gets thrown out the window, because all the rules change, our bodies change, our desires change. That was my revelation Friday night at 4AM, when I just wanted my bed. Which I said aloud to my friends, and it just sounded so cliche'd and weird.