what is left of life, love and drugs

She called me, she needed confirmation that everything was going to be ok. yes, indeed, half of west hollywood was hungover, broken and doing the walk of shame the day after gay pride 2007, I tell her. You are not alone. Thank god. what is wrong with me? she asks. Just you being young, single, and free. But I'm an alcoholic, she says. No you're not.

Gay Pride should be on a saturday. of course, I could care less, I never go anymore. No dyke march. none of that. that was part of my youth, even though Joan Jett played this year. I just can't handle walking in crowds. sweaty crowds, high on drugs, or drunk. and no, i'm not some self-righteous sober gal, please, I still party, and stay up all night, I just like to do it in the privacy of my home, or my friends' homes, or some low key dive bar.

Plus, I work. I'm obsessed with work. I guess I'd rather spend my Sunday writing a song, or jamming with musicians drinking white wine, spending a quiet afternoon with my love at the movies or a museum, or poolside with friends and mojito's and gimlets. Hanging out with a bunch of strangers on Santa Monica Blvd (or Castro St) bouncing around from club to party to club to party, doing lines of cocaine, has left me left me completely. Like I said if Pride were on a Saturday, maybe I'd go, but who knows, I'd probably be just a likely to still stay at home, or hang with the hetero's. Who really knows.

deference

I saw a movie yesterday where a man, who had left his family 20 years prior comes back when one of the grandchildren invites him to his bar mitzvah (yeah, its a cheesy feel good family movie that i got sucked into as i sometimes do- you might know it). So he comes back 20 years later with his now young, hippie girlfriend, and of course his kids are pissed at him for being gone so long, for not being there during their important years, for showing up with this girlfriend that is their age, for abandoning their mom etc... as they should be, but mom and dad are happy to see one another, are happy because they did once share a bond. Sure, mom struggled during those years when he left, he was gone, but in the movie she acknowledges that dad's leaving had something to do with her too. The kids of course are still mad, and I'm not saying that he should've stayed or left, he did what he felt he had to do and now he has to pay the price for abandoning his children. And children are self-absorbed as they are often taught to be, because often parent's will defer their feelings and well-being for their children who end up having to guess about their parent's real feelings, history and identity which exist outside of the children. complex and complicated indeed. My point being is that often times the parent who leaves is the one who is blamed because the parent who stays with the children have all the power over the children, just as they perhaps did over the relationship and leaving was the only option for the leaver, the parent has 100% of the child's attention and is able to paint the leaver to their perspective, and the leaver cannot defend him/herself. All I am saying is that it is a nice, and rare gesture when the parent who is left behind with the burden of raising the children, of being dumped and abandoned, and of the truth of their relationship, defers to honesty instead of hate, anger, and blame.

Get the balance right.....

Recently, within the last year, my good friend said to me, "it's all about balance." It's so obvious, and I know it, strive for it, but nonetheless it kind of struck me.

By day I am a non-profit, direct service, mental health slave, though I have to say it's better for me, than being a corporate slave which is basically a glorified paper pusher or professional shoe salesman. By night I am a an artist, writer, musician, creator. I would one day like to swap the two but now need both, in that order. Balance.

I live with my lover, the same person, a yummy and delicious soul who always smells and looks good, going on 11 years. We do not have a house, don't own any property, no children like most people assume you should after being together for so long. Nope. We have not accumulated a lot of stuff. (thank god. and all in good time.) and although much to my parent's and some friends dismay, because they assume we should be keeping up with the Joneses, but in our small apartment smack in the center of the city, let me tell you tha we get to still enjoy life to the fullest with little worry. We both have cars and a lot of freedom. a lot of peace of mind and space to do what we feel is right. And jobs. Though, we'd NEVER go back to corporate ever. But, you know a basic work ethic, so despite complaining about going to work everyday, which we only do occasionally, and the inability to take off whenever we please which we take off enough anyway, we do it, we go to work, BUT never too much nor too hard, and it affords us the lifestyle and ability to enjoy the other 128 hours in the week. Damn, I'm jealous of my own self. There are things I want, but there is nothing I need. Except to continue being true to myself. And enjoy the life we are living.

after tonight, I will no longer think

So don't expect me to do anything smart, professional, or classy. if i start doing rash and crazy things, please don't stop me, please just stand by and let me do it, you can watch, but know this is something i must do. i am officially on professional career-driven hair combing bullshit hiatus. rock and roll is all that is left for me now. rock and roll is all that i will ever be. love me or leave me.

Still pursuing la boheme'........

It's like I'm smelling the flowers now I tell my myself 'cuz these last few months, maybe even a year, has been a hiatus from music making. Or perhaps making sure once again that I am not OK just working in a career in a field that I chose. A helping profession, that brings great joy at the end of the day, ok, fine, great, contributing to the humanity, I need to do that, and thank god I do. Help the children brought into this world and dealt a shitty hand, and the families living in poverty, and the neighborhoods infested with drugs and gangs and no role models, a lack of role models. Children. No child left behind was a bullshit sacrament, set in place by our bullshit president, because so many children have still been left behind. I think it's important, what I do and have a lot of extreme political beliefs about it, and could devote my life to humanity and political activism, not just here but abroad, and if I have to work, which apparently I believe I have to work, because I've been doing it for years, and years, like a robot sometimes feeling brainwashed by my parents, by society and by colonial America which has taught it's children that YOU MUST believe in hard work, get an education, and then a decent job and be an upstanding member of society-that's what my parents taught me, expect of me- So I figured since I have to do it, work, be a professional adult I might as well do something that I believe in, that helps the state of the world today, every little bit counts, helps our country, our world, our planet, and no it does not pay me any money, so I really know I'm doing something worth something, but it affords me a decent livelihood and some other luxuries like a truck that runs and I can take off in and fly at my whimsy. And perhaps gets my parents off my back, if not just for the time being but then also maybe forces upon me more expecations, more and more robot mentality, and then I know I cannot do all of it, would never do most of it, but also feel some relief in knowing that since I now have the credibility, the paperwork that says I have studied my ass off for years and years, and passed with flying colors you can pay me even more money, and god-dammit I can make some damn money for a change, and then I can succumb to the epitome of the American Dream of running my own business, my own company. And, trust you me I am glad to do that, happy to do it, because it beats working for someone else, and so I would work towards it, continually because it is something I truly believe in, worked hard for and know I can do. Fabulous. It's true.

BUT, and it's a huge BUT at the end of the sentence and at the end of the week, there is something I still must do. I can't explain why I feel this way, but it's just the way that it is. And I started out on this path for a reason, reasons beyond my control, and though at times it's been mass chaos and fear, anxious, bad nerves, even scary at times, most likely because of the brain beating I've taken for so many years, the mass mind molding I was constantly forced to swallow, though I spit it out for many many years, and still spit on on sooo many levels, but finally I just shut up and took it. For love? Yeah, probably for love and a piece of security, because it eased the anxiety. And so now to sway off of an already golden-paved path, shiny and nice with flowers, a yellow brick road, and a bright sunny future, and friends with money a nice house in the city, and vintage clothes, and weekly massages and manicures and facials, to wander off on an unpaved dirt road with no road signs, and sometimes no sign of life, is a scary road to take, full of anxiety and dark clouds and fear. But I already did, something told me to do this and got me started on this road many many years ago and is continuing to take me down this road, and I can't turn back, I can't stop it. And it's true I've straddled two paths, not willing to let go of what I was taught, but still going down the road I know I must, that causes me knots and tangles and fear in my solar-plexis because I feel it so passionately. But the passion has turned into drive and drive into destiny. And soon, I know the paths will split, and I will be forced to choose. I already see that fork in front of me, and am packing my bags mentally. And sometimes I think it's scary for the other people because it's so unpredictable and crazy and they are the ones who feed the fear in me. Because they're so afraid of losing me, because I might suddenly find something that is worth something to me. That is far removed from the world we are told to live in, told to love and believe in. Far removed from anything we can live safely in. And I've also tried more muted, lesser versions of the art, the creativity, such as this writing, which seems to come so naturally, but also leaves me half-full or half-empty, however you want to interpret it. And in the last few months I've swallowed art, and independent films, and books, and museum exhibits, and rock shows, and new cd's and made mix tapes, and wrote poetry, but the truth cannot be ignored anymore.
I have to continue making music.

là où est le de Bohème

What is remaining of the Bohemian lifestyle has gone Underground, thanks to English Colonialism.

In India before the occupation of the British, dancers, musicians, artists, writers were treated with respect and majestic royalty, but after the British came tradition changed and now it is believed that these things are associated with prostitutes and whores. Naturally, and sex is seen as something as dirty. But remember the days of the Rajas and Ranees, in India, (Ranee means Queen, Raja King), when they ruled the land long before the Brits came over the Kama Sutra was being studied across the land. India was a land of jewels and beauty and love and art and all things Boheme. Now they get mad when an American actor kisses an Indian actress on the cheek. Yes, all repurcusions of the white man wanting Indian riches.

This leads me to think about our society here today in America- the land of gold and honey supposedly, where people across the country commute in their cars, or by train an average of 90 minutes a day to get to a 9 to 5 job, where they sit behind a computer and figure out numbers for 8 hours a day, only to end the day in traffic for another 45 minutes before getting home just in time to watch Desperate Housewives and fall asleep just to do it all over again. There is no art, no creativity, no relaxing, it is a prison. This society is a prison. We are imprisoned by our desire for material success, big house, nice car, etc at what cost a long ass drive to a job we hate. NO THANKS.

Then there are the ones who live on the fringe of society. The artists, the dancers, the lovers, the bohemians, musicians, artists, poets, etc.... who get slammed in the face of structure everyday because we do not have the big house, the great job in the sky with the corporate account, and perhaps we have lovers and we stay out late late late, and we smoke and drink and draw to our hearts content. la boheme. we indulge in our right brain. we ignore the head that which tells us to follow the grain. and yes, then we're ostracized outright. This is not a bohemian society. This is prison. I tell you.

People come, friends leave, plans change, life continues.....

Sometimes we get into a comfort zone. A groove. With our friends, our scene, our lives. Everything. And we're working it, working towards something. Then all of a sudden our world gets ripped out from underneath our feet. Someone leaves, plans change, and all of a sudden it feels like we have to rewrite the story, replace the characters, or we won't be able to continue on the path, whether its geographically, mentally, or metaphysically, it upsets our groove.

But think back. There was a time when you did not know this person, or this plan and who were you then? what were you thinking about doing then? It's a hard thing to try to go on with the thought of a big gaping hole in our day where that person was, where that plan was, and all of a sudden our life becomes sullen, lost, empty.

I think it's important to mourn the loss, accept the sadness that it brings, and most of all try not to replace it, or fill it. But I also think it is natural for us to try to force it- a new plan in it's place, a new friend in the place- only to find it falling very short, and leading you down a path ugly. Sure, a new plan is good, a new friend, but not to replace anything, not a plan b, but as a continuation of life.

This concept may sound weird, I mean after all, it's what we do "instead," but what I am saying is to think of it, as not "instead" but as what you would have done anyway. Because by replacing the plan, or the friend, we send ourself the message that we want to erase the plan, or the friend. replace=erase. Pretend it never existed. Protect ourselves from pain. And in so doing, we lose part of our identity. We forgo an important part of our path. Accepting that the plan has changed, or that the friend has moved allows us to grow together with the idea and evolve it into our new idea.

Relax. Unwind. Breathe into your life as it is. Accept the sadness, the anxiety, the fear as a sign of your life, your breath, your impending doom as all part of the journey of life, as it continues.....