after tonight, I will no longer think

So don't expect me to do anything smart, professional, or classy. if i start doing rash and crazy things, please don't stop me, please just stand by and let me do it, you can watch, but know this is something i must do. i am officially on professional career-driven hair combing bullshit hiatus. rock and roll is all that is left for me now. rock and roll is all that i will ever be. love me or leave me.

Still pursuing la boheme'........

It's like I'm smelling the flowers now I tell my myself 'cuz these last few months, maybe even a year, has been a hiatus from music making. Or perhaps making sure once again that I am not OK just working in a career in a field that I chose. A helping profession, that brings great joy at the end of the day, ok, fine, great, contributing to the humanity, I need to do that, and thank god I do. Help the children brought into this world and dealt a shitty hand, and the families living in poverty, and the neighborhoods infested with drugs and gangs and no role models, a lack of role models. Children. No child left behind was a bullshit sacrament, set in place by our bullshit president, because so many children have still been left behind. I think it's important, what I do and have a lot of extreme political beliefs about it, and could devote my life to humanity and political activism, not just here but abroad, and if I have to work, which apparently I believe I have to work, because I've been doing it for years, and years, like a robot sometimes feeling brainwashed by my parents, by society and by colonial America which has taught it's children that YOU MUST believe in hard work, get an education, and then a decent job and be an upstanding member of society-that's what my parents taught me, expect of me- So I figured since I have to do it, work, be a professional adult I might as well do something that I believe in, that helps the state of the world today, every little bit counts, helps our country, our world, our planet, and no it does not pay me any money, so I really know I'm doing something worth something, but it affords me a decent livelihood and some other luxuries like a truck that runs and I can take off in and fly at my whimsy. And perhaps gets my parents off my back, if not just for the time being but then also maybe forces upon me more expecations, more and more robot mentality, and then I know I cannot do all of it, would never do most of it, but also feel some relief in knowing that since I now have the credibility, the paperwork that says I have studied my ass off for years and years, and passed with flying colors you can pay me even more money, and god-dammit I can make some damn money for a change, and then I can succumb to the epitome of the American Dream of running my own business, my own company. And, trust you me I am glad to do that, happy to do it, because it beats working for someone else, and so I would work towards it, continually because it is something I truly believe in, worked hard for and know I can do. Fabulous. It's true.

BUT, and it's a huge BUT at the end of the sentence and at the end of the week, there is something I still must do. I can't explain why I feel this way, but it's just the way that it is. And I started out on this path for a reason, reasons beyond my control, and though at times it's been mass chaos and fear, anxious, bad nerves, even scary at times, most likely because of the brain beating I've taken for so many years, the mass mind molding I was constantly forced to swallow, though I spit it out for many many years, and still spit on on sooo many levels, but finally I just shut up and took it. For love? Yeah, probably for love and a piece of security, because it eased the anxiety. And so now to sway off of an already golden-paved path, shiny and nice with flowers, a yellow brick road, and a bright sunny future, and friends with money a nice house in the city, and vintage clothes, and weekly massages and manicures and facials, to wander off on an unpaved dirt road with no road signs, and sometimes no sign of life, is a scary road to take, full of anxiety and dark clouds and fear. But I already did, something told me to do this and got me started on this road many many years ago and is continuing to take me down this road, and I can't turn back, I can't stop it. And it's true I've straddled two paths, not willing to let go of what I was taught, but still going down the road I know I must, that causes me knots and tangles and fear in my solar-plexis because I feel it so passionately. But the passion has turned into drive and drive into destiny. And soon, I know the paths will split, and I will be forced to choose. I already see that fork in front of me, and am packing my bags mentally. And sometimes I think it's scary for the other people because it's so unpredictable and crazy and they are the ones who feed the fear in me. Because they're so afraid of losing me, because I might suddenly find something that is worth something to me. That is far removed from the world we are told to live in, told to love and believe in. Far removed from anything we can live safely in. And I've also tried more muted, lesser versions of the art, the creativity, such as this writing, which seems to come so naturally, but also leaves me half-full or half-empty, however you want to interpret it. And in the last few months I've swallowed art, and independent films, and books, and museum exhibits, and rock shows, and new cd's and made mix tapes, and wrote poetry, but the truth cannot be ignored anymore.
I have to continue making music.

là où est le de Bohème

What is remaining of the Bohemian lifestyle has gone Underground, thanks to English Colonialism.

In India before the occupation of the British, dancers, musicians, artists, writers were treated with respect and majestic royalty, but after the British came tradition changed and now it is believed that these things are associated with prostitutes and whores. Naturally, and sex is seen as something as dirty. But remember the days of the Rajas and Ranees, in India, (Ranee means Queen, Raja King), when they ruled the land long before the Brits came over the Kama Sutra was being studied across the land. India was a land of jewels and beauty and love and art and all things Boheme. Now they get mad when an American actor kisses an Indian actress on the cheek. Yes, all repurcusions of the white man wanting Indian riches.

This leads me to think about our society here today in America- the land of gold and honey supposedly, where people across the country commute in their cars, or by train an average of 90 minutes a day to get to a 9 to 5 job, where they sit behind a computer and figure out numbers for 8 hours a day, only to end the day in traffic for another 45 minutes before getting home just in time to watch Desperate Housewives and fall asleep just to do it all over again. There is no art, no creativity, no relaxing, it is a prison. This society is a prison. We are imprisoned by our desire for material success, big house, nice car, etc at what cost a long ass drive to a job we hate. NO THANKS.

Then there are the ones who live on the fringe of society. The artists, the dancers, the lovers, the bohemians, musicians, artists, poets, etc.... who get slammed in the face of structure everyday because we do not have the big house, the great job in the sky with the corporate account, and perhaps we have lovers and we stay out late late late, and we smoke and drink and draw to our hearts content. la boheme. we indulge in our right brain. we ignore the head that which tells us to follow the grain. and yes, then we're ostracized outright. This is not a bohemian society. This is prison. I tell you.

People come, friends leave, plans change, life continues.....

Sometimes we get into a comfort zone. A groove. With our friends, our scene, our lives. Everything. And we're working it, working towards something. Then all of a sudden our world gets ripped out from underneath our feet. Someone leaves, plans change, and all of a sudden it feels like we have to rewrite the story, replace the characters, or we won't be able to continue on the path, whether its geographically, mentally, or metaphysically, it upsets our groove.

But think back. There was a time when you did not know this person, or this plan and who were you then? what were you thinking about doing then? It's a hard thing to try to go on with the thought of a big gaping hole in our day where that person was, where that plan was, and all of a sudden our life becomes sullen, lost, empty.

I think it's important to mourn the loss, accept the sadness that it brings, and most of all try not to replace it, or fill it. But I also think it is natural for us to try to force it- a new plan in it's place, a new friend in the place- only to find it falling very short, and leading you down a path ugly. Sure, a new plan is good, a new friend, but not to replace anything, not a plan b, but as a continuation of life.

This concept may sound weird, I mean after all, it's what we do "instead," but what I am saying is to think of it, as not "instead" but as what you would have done anyway. Because by replacing the plan, or the friend, we send ourself the message that we want to erase the plan, or the friend. replace=erase. Pretend it never existed. Protect ourselves from pain. And in so doing, we lose part of our identity. We forgo an important part of our path. Accepting that the plan has changed, or that the friend has moved allows us to grow together with the idea and evolve it into our new idea.

Relax. Unwind. Breathe into your life as it is. Accept the sadness, the anxiety, the fear as a sign of your life, your breath, your impending doom as all part of the journey of life, as it continues.....

age and change

Today is my 35th birthday, and I'm obsessed with age, which is a topic that has become just so cliche'd and boring. As I continue to live in and try to grow into what I believe to this chapter of adulthood, I look at the road behind me and ahead of me. And I think I've seen a lot, done a lot and have had a lot of fun. Friday night was a testament to the path that I have been on, but is it where I am going? I threw a party at Jumbo's Clown Room in Hollywood- because you can't pay me to throw a party at some bourgieos restaurant on the Sunset strip or trendy bar anywhere else in LA for that matter and I've tried that before, and realized it's not me, and when you do something that is not really yourself then it's not fun, but tense and tedious. So I did something that was representative of me - and lots of people showed up- from good Christian girls that I met in grad school to lesbians, from rock stars, tattooed strippers and bar hags, to corporate climbers. I love people of all sorts, am a student of human nature and human relationships and therefor am friends with all kinds of people and everyone, and I love to have fun. AND we did. We had fun. The party moved from point A Jumbo's to point B the 4100 Bar and finally to an my high school pal's house in Sliverlake. But, the night had to end for me, although many were still going strong when I left -what was kinda still- my own party. I made it home by 4am, tucked myself in just in time to NOT watch the sun come up. Waking up to watch the sun come up is nice (read- like the time in 2005 we got up at 3:30 am in Darjeeling India to make the pilgrimage to Tiger Hill to watch the sun come up over Mt. Everest- now that was nice...), BUT staying up all night partying to see it come up is fun in your teens, and 20's but in your mid-30's not so glamorous, and becomes tense and tedious too. I still go out, sometimes a lot but then often wonder why and come home swearing it off because I ended up at some trendy Hollywood bar with snobby people who have their priorities all mixed up. I still party and when I end up with cool friends like I did Friday night I'm ok. I still throw down with the best of them, SOMETIMEs. But mostly it just takes too long to recover.

As I look down the path, still sorta recovering from Friday night- um,it's Sunday and my back hurts and I know my age is really just an impending snail that sometimes goes faster than I want it to, but still I rejoice rejoice in where I've been, and wonder where I am going. As much fun as it was, I am so bored and tired with the dirty shady often shallow & limited drinking drugging night life lifestyle, and don't enjoy it so much anymore. Especially in the morning. It's fun for a birthday, but it's so kind of far removed from who I am the rest of the weeks. I still party, like I said, but those days are few and far between. Sometimes weeks go by before I have another drink. And months between such late nighters. For the last two years, midnight has been my shut off time. Midnight is the time I need to get home if I still wanna enjoy my day tomorrow, or go to work, and still if I've had a drink or two I feel tired, pooped and less than 100%.

SO how do the 35 and over have fun? It's a question I have been asking myself for the last 2.5 years, confused, because I don't know much else. Out to dinner has become a staple, hiking, picnics, museums, and of course work, as we get older work actually becomes enjoyable- feeling accomplished at the end of the day is a good feeling that does not involve late nights and alcohol. But, when do we stop going out? Never? We just stop going all night rave-style parties, or arena style rock shows and go to art openings, and more intimate events. But often sifting through the invitations is hard because the 23 year-old in me still thinks I gotta go to every social event or else I am missing out (remember I live in LA and there is always something going on, something to do). But I don't end up going to 90% of the things I get invited to, because at the end of the day I still wanna have time for myself, get some rest, and accomplish my own personal things. Is that selfish? It just seems that as you get older friends become less and important. I guess that scares me.

And there are so many things that scare me about getting older. There are people I know in my age bracket, who are married with children who have lost contact with the working world, moved out to the suburbs, got a picket fence which is not for me. I have friends who had to abandon the state altogether to get clean and sober, buy a house, and live under a blanket of conservatism in the countryside. A little extreme. And on the other spectrum I have friends that, still go out and drink a lot, do drugs and stay out all night still, watch the sun come up on a regular basis. And as I mentioned that tires me out. These things are not for me. So what is it that I want? This has been the question for the last few years.

Children? Maybe. I would love a house but it has to be in the city limits, read: NO PICKET FENCE, but that's such an expensive lifestyle, it's going to be years. And travel? Yes, ideally WORK related, such that it allows me to live in another country- read:India or I'll take anywhere in Asia- part time, and allows me to spend time with my family both here and overseas. And culture, art, and beauty: this means going to museums, watching independent films, reading, writing, playing the guitar. WORK. WORK. and WORK.

These are the things I want. And going to bars to party all night doesn't fit in so much anymore, but neither does it mean that I have to be a homebody having a picket fence and having no life, if that's not what I want. And I realize everyone's idea of getting older will be different. And the irony is that we're supposedly NOTG finding ourself anymore, at this point we're supposed to be in full swing the person we are going to be. But that is such bullshit. We are still figuring so much stuff out. Everything we learned in our 20's gets thrown out the window, because all the rules change, our bodies change, our desires change. That was my revelation Friday night at 4AM, when I just wanted my bed. Which I said aloud to my friends, and it just sounded so cliche'd and weird.

Fashion VS Style

You are born with style. Fashion is trends and name brands. And you can look hot WITHOUT spending a lot of money. Does everyone know this? Out of necesisity in my 20's I had to bargain hunt for hot looks, discount basements and thrifts stores were were I spent most of my free shopping time. The deal winner: Individual style, I knew that what I was buying was off the rack, and therefor far less likely that someone would own the same thing. It has now become a way of life for me.

It's a rhetorical question. Because I know people who are broke, who dress sloppily because they "can't afford it" supposedly, and/or on the other spectrum, or maybe it's the other side of the same coin I also know "name brand whores" who well, will buy something off the rack, ready to wear, at an overprice, because they can, or even if they can't afford it, because they do not have time to spend on themselves nor creativity to dress themselves. BUT, I know broke people, (and I know a lot of 'em!) that could care less about name brands, know their style, know their body and always look HOT without being trendy, and name-branded. AND, the best part is these peeps would never even think of buying a $600 chanel bag even if they had the money. THAT IS WHAT STYLE IS ABOUT. But, now-a-days I admit I do it too, once in a while. I like designer jeans, because they fit me better than a cheap pair, and becaus I love denim, and like jeans I can fall asleep in...., or I buy nice name brand sexy bras (which is a complete other topic,) because a well fitted bra can make a huge difference (and no Victoria Secret is not a name brand, they are a conglomerate consumer marketed for fancy footed and fickle teenagers, because they look cute, but don't really do anything for the figure, and fall apart all too soon. If you're interested I can tell you more, some great name brand lingerie is Felina, and Natori.) So for me it's beautiful sexy bras and tough rugged jeans. BUT, if you can't afford it then don't sweat it, I say. Developing your style is an art, (think of yourself as a pallette) and bargain hunting is often a time consuming skill, but it an be done cheap and easy. You have to decide. An hour, maybe on your lunch break, a couple times a month, honing thrift stores is a lot cheaper that lunching at Barneys after buying ONE $400 blouse that you took off a rack where 5 other EXACT replicas of the same blouse remained on the rack for others to buy. $400- and you run the risk of other people owning it. Think personal style- not something you can buy off a rack. But you need to spend some time on it, on yourself, because after all it's YOUR LOOK, your persona, your characther, your art project, and often your first impression and more. And once you get good at it, it becomes FAST and low maintenece. READ: NEO-Nazi Feminists who cannot be bothered with make-up and/or clothes, who believe that clothes are for the male world- there is the low maintenence side to style, but it's an art. CREATIVITY is the soul of life. ARE YOU READY TO EMBRACE IT?

1) Know your body type- are you short? tall? thin? stocky? Find the styles that accentuate your positive aspects and that you like. Wearing something because it accentuates your height, but is not your style will make you look and feel uncomfortable. And wearing something that you love on the hanger, or that everyone else is wearing, but that doesn't fit your body type will also make you feel uncomfortable. And be realistic, if you've put on weight, don't be shy about buying a larger size, a better fit will make you look and feel better. Weight is arbitrary. Think about the sexy pin up girls, voluptuos, sexy, and full & happy.

2) Have a specific style- THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. Because if you don't have a keynote style then you will fall prey to trends. Having a style means you will find pieces, some pieces every season, but not an entirely new wardrobe where old pieces don't match your look anymore (i.e "that is so last season" is a pretentious saying that only the designer whores follow, but remember that the actual designers always stick to their keynote style, "last season" only applies to people who follow fashion trends not the ones who create them.) For example, are you a jeans and t-shirts kind of girl (yes, like me), but you love jackets, scarves and boots? You can dress up your outfit with a denim skirt and jacket with boots for going out, or dress it down with jeans. The accessories must be specific to you too, tights or something if your more edgy, the style of boot, etc.. Or are you a dress kinda girl? floral prints, strappy sandals? or are you a low cut, cleavage shower? figure out what it is that you love on yourself and play it up. Specific style is a combination of what you like and what looks good on you with your own taste and touch added in. It will only evolve with time, and get updated as trends change but your personal style will never change.

3) Love it, Live it, Own it- If you think it looks good on you, it does. When you look good but don't feel 100% confident, others know it and thats when the haters, the jealousy, the meanness and the cattyness come out in others. But if you look good and feel confident you will fend off the haters and be a trend-setter. People may even copy you.

4)Spend some time on yourself. Spend an evening alone at home once a month when you try on different outfits, different looks. Think of what you wear as an ART. CREATIVITY.

When you have your style figured out, the rest falls into place. And maybe keeping up with the trends is your style (but how is that individual? I don't know) and if you can afford it, fine, but if it's not in your budget, just remember it does not have to be trendy to be fashionable, nor in fashion to be stylish. And just because everyone else is wearing it, doesn't mean it will be right for you. Personal style goes a much longer way and won't break the bank. EVER. Also, beware of trends and fashion, and name brands, besides breaking the bank and going out of style, they may suck your soul of any creativity and individuality you have.

India-The Motherland

About a year ago I read in Time magazine that East Indian's are a successful minority because of the way they intersperse and intermingle with Western society. Indian's are scattered everywhere, and like many other cultures in the Western world don't necessarily feel the need to glom on to their own kind. Many people take this to mean that Indian's are disconnected from their roots.

Most Indian's in the Western world are actually very connected to their roots and often like most minorities do have a difficult time accepting Western culture. This difficulty can either 1) lead to the point where they have to disown their culture a lot, and fit in to the Western standard a lot before letting go and finding a more peaceful middle ground or 2) Exist as very Un-American. Most immigrants and minorities from other countries will find this is true. And, yes they even have technical names for these like Assimilation and Acculturation, (right now I forget which is which) to describe different levels of "fitting in" with Western society.

So, why do East Indians tend to be so interspersed? Now-a-days there might be a token Indian at the workplace, in your school, or in certain fields there may be even more. There are way more Indian's over here than when I was growing up in the 70's and 80's. I think often because of the higher levels of education in subjects like Engineering (Math) and Medicine coupled with the long distance- New Delhi is the halfway point around the world to San Francisco and considering it's the 2nd most populated country in the world there is a considerably low presence here in the states- Indians are forced to stand on their own and to be independent. Indian's are an independent people, highly educated and often leaving their families behind in India in search of jobs. But because of the distance and the strong Indian roots the rest of the family will never make the trip over here. They have no desire. Because contrary to what most American's think, life is actually very difficult here, lonely and very different. But for years there have been no jobs in India, highly educated people with no work, sitting around twiddling their thumbs, listening to the noise in the streets, inhaling diesel pollution, in a country overrun by poverty. America and Europe have had an open door policy for Indians who want to come and work, make western wages in dollars or pounds, and make a different life for themselves. The difference is that most Indians don't see this as a better life. Why leave the beautiful Motherland to live in a country where your family and culture will be forgotten? Most Indians choose not to.

The ones that do come over here, if they're lucky, go home eventually.

New Tirade: THE BURBS.......

Can I just say I hate the BURBS? For my day job I have to drive all over Los Angeles county, including the San Gabriel Valley. CAN YOU SAY COOKIE CUTTER? SAY IT LOUD TWENTY MILLION TIMES. Ok, this kind of goes back to the previous tirade about religion. The people out here are so very different from the world in which I live (read: West Hollywood, exactly one block from where the transvestite prostitutes sell their platforms for crack, and two blocks from Marc Jacobs). It's so diverse (where I live) the pendulum swinging from one extreme to the next in seconds, not to mention there is life, activity, color. Not in San Dimas, made popular by the infamous Beavis and Butthead, (read: BUTTHEAD). We could be in the middle of America, no one would ever be the wiser. Who would guess we are only 40 miles from Los Angeles. The San Gabriel Valley is the Bible Belt of Los Angeles.

What do I dislike about it? Well as I drove out here from Watts, CA- read: South Central Los Angeles, first off it took me 1 hour and 15 minutes, why? Because of traffic. CAN YOU SAY SHEEP? SAY IT LOUD. I did. I yelled it for the last 20 minutes of my torturous drive on the 605 north as I headed East on the 210 towards San Bernardino. Everyone lives out here. I mean, EVERYONE, but NO ONE I know. What are these people like? What do these people do? (read: what are these people wearing?) Well, they have day jobs, and families, and they go to church, and they take a two week vacation each year, probably to Minnesota or Virginia, and they eat steak 4 nights a week, and drink 2% milk, they take their kids to Starbucks for a venti double double chocolate something which is as healthy as sunbathing on your roof and has so much caffeine in it for their already overfed children who are going to stop for Kentucky Fried Chicken on the way home anyway, well maybe they'll burn it off. And hopefully next year they'll get that upgrade at work, so they can get that upgrade on their wide screen television, and give this one to the rec room for the boys to enjoy football every Sunday. It's not that it's a bad life- the quality of life is easier, laid back, and status quo- but that's just it, status quo, it's middle of the road, it's middle of America and the desire to do anything outside of the box is muted, the desire to seek knowledge about life outside is muted. It's like the whole area is under a blanket, nice, safe and sheltered. My problem with this Stepford wife mentality is that it's bull-shit, full of secrets, lies and taboos, and its a breeding ground for Hate, for discrimination, sexism, racism, and genderism, languageism, to name a few and only somewhat better than the ignorance and violence found in our country's ghetto, poverty-stricken streets where gang violence and drugs reign, which are this way because of lack of resources, read: money and education. In the burbs money and education are two things that are readily available, but totally not taken advantage of, instead they are used to brainwash, mold and produce robotic androids that strive for the minimal knowledge, and maximum material goods, bigger house, bigger car, bigger TV, which is all offset because they will go to church on Sunday and wash their sins away. I understand the need for Church in our poor neighborhoods, but in the burbs, its just an attestation to people's fear of truly being who they are. And it's the kids I feel bad for, growing up in a shiny, clean, manicured world where no one exercises personal taste, and difference is frowned upon. So, what is going to happen to them when they get older? Life will slap them in the face, if it isn't already doing so now. With such a narrow, restricted and limited view of the world being spoon fed to them they are striving to be something that is not realistic for everyone. SHEEP. Can you say SHEEP? Everything seems nice, peaceful, so nice. But, I am missing culture, color, style, art, and individuality. MUTED. People are muted. People's thoughts are muted. And I am on my way to treat a family that lives here. If only I could really help them. But I won't be able to do much to change the inherent "If I buy those jeans, I could look like Kate Moss" (read: Lily Allen) attitude. And in two hours, I will be on my way back to the urban glory of Los Angeles, lights, people, bad credit, poverty, gunfire, my favorite donuts/Korean pizza shop at the corner of graffiti and pimps & ho's, and the Hebrew music wafting threw the courtyard of the building in which my small one-bedroom apartment sits, smack in the middle of chaos, next door to the old theatre that plays Queer movies year round. And to me that is peaceful. Thank you very much. Being given the space to think and do as I feel is natural. Thank you. peace-out.