Now that I've stopped driving......so much

A few months ago I was bitter and angry and tired and stressed out and pissed. (you may remember my entry tirade about the burbs.) That was when I worked at a place called Optimist Youth Homes and Family Services (OYHFS)in Highland Park, CA as an Outpatient Therapist (note: this is not their fault as they are mere victims of a larger system that takes advantage of its workers) and they had me driving to the BURBS, and all over the world.

I'll try to make a long story short here. In 1995 I graduated from San Francisco State University with a BA in Clinical Psychology. Can't do much with it, even as a residential counselor, outreach worker, or therapist's assistant you can, if you're lucky make $12 an hour. So, after having a slew of counseling jobs, non-profit jobs, and administrative jobs which left me disgruntled and bitter I went back to school to get my Masters in Clinical Psychology in 2002. I graduated in 2002 with that MA in my little hands, but going into the field of Psychology is like a death sentence, to do any real work (i.e where your judgement actually matters and counts) and to make any real money your graduate work may not be a simple two year process, you are looking at a minimum 4-year process. I could've gotten PhD or PsyD (Doctorate of Psychology) in that time, although those programs are more like 6 to 8 years, and regardless you have to get licensed after completing your degree, which means that first you have to complete a shitload of hours (3,000 hours in California for MA and PhD levels) during which time you are referred to as in Intern,(hours are the actual hours in which you have direct contact with the client in which you discuss your clients with a supervisor...)in order to even sit for a licensing exam. It takes about 3 years to complete 3000 hours, but usually more. During that time, as an intern, you are lucky to make $15 an hour. I kid you not. This is California, where a new home costs a half a million dollars, and interns with graduate degrees make $15 an hour. This field prides itself as a helping profession, and we make $15 an hour unlicensed? That's bound to make anyone crazy.

The thing with OYHFS was that I was licensed when I was working there, not when I started but shortly thereafter. I was making more than my unlicensed cohorts- granted- but I was lied to when I took the job.

Ok, actually, let me back up just a tad. There is a trend in the field of social services and mental health (in California at least that I know of), and that trend is this: HOME VISITS. Read: going to the client's home to provide mental health services. The mentality is this: many of our clients are low low income, with no means of transportation, so expecting them to drive, or take the bus for a weekly appointment is expecting too much. OK. Understood, only because lower income and education levels think mental services equate "your crazy," so yes, much less likely to show up for a therapy session. There is also the belief that therapy works better in the client's domain, in their territory, in their home, and the therapist gets to see the true real-life home environment and incorporate other family members as needed, since they are already there. All true, indeed. My first job as an intern was at a Foster Family Agency called Secure Transitions, as a Social Worker, it was a bottom of the line job, and I was collecting my hours so I coughed it up as paying my dues. This is where I was introduced to the notion of home visits. (Actually, one of my pre-graduate school social-services jobs in San Francisco was traveling by bus with developmentally disabled client's but it wasn't considered clinical since there was no real counseling or psychotherapy involved.... or was it because they were DD?...hmmm....) So, anyway when I was hired at this foster family agency, I told the director, "I don't wanna drive too far, only in LA." For the 1st year they stuck to their guns, I was seeing clients in South Central LA, or Inglewood was as far as I went, still that's only about 11 miles from my home. Then it slowly started, first I was given homes in Carson, then Gardena (all close to Compton and a good 20 miles from my home), then finally Palmdale (in the high desert of Antelope Valley, 58 goddamn miles from my house!) That was my last year there, and the last straw. Is it legal to send someone to Palmdale, 60 miles from the office? Yes, my supervisor informed me, anything within 200 miles is legal. YIKES. At some point I had taken a part-time job as a therapist a school in Compton thinking it was in my vicinity but soon realized it was too far, and one thing for sure I relearned, I am not a commuter, (I also worked part-time at a clinic in South Central LA, to supplement my income, and to get more hours, and since it was only 6 miles from my house AND the clients came to me so it also gave me some traditional therapy experience. That was a perfect job except the pay and it was only a part-time clinic that was closed in the mornings.) Finally after 3 years of slaving away as a Social Worker working with amazing teenage girls at the foster family agency I left, (at the same time I also quit the clinic.) I was done with my hours, about to take the licensing exam and knew I needed a change. That's when I ended up at OYHFS.

OYHFS is in Highland Park, which is basically South Pasadena, which is north east of Hollywood where I live. So instead of traveling all over the barren south bay along the 110 south to cities like Carson, Inglewood, Gardena and Compton I was happy to be traveling north again through the pretty green and windy stretch of the 110 north freeway where there is foliage and hills and Spanish bridges and architecture. OYHFS told me they would try to give me clients in between my home and the OYHFS offices. LIE. They told me after I got licensed I would make "a couple hundred dollars more per pay check." LIE. I was given clients in Glendora (32 miles north east of Hollywood,) San Dimas at 35 north east of Hollywood, El Monte 20 miles south east of Hollywood, SouthGate which is 20 miles south of Hollywood and they were about to give me Whittier which is about 40 miles away from Hollywood when I finally left and said I had had enough. Not only were these cities extremely far but with the exception of Glendora and San Dimas, these cities were not even close to each other, which meant I was driving all over Los Angeles County. They just assumed we would be OK with driving all over Los Angeles, not in a company car, but in our own cars, jeopardizing our health and our sanity. NO JOKE. Not to mention the mileage reimbursement with the cost of gas the way it is these days did not even cover the actual cost of gas, let alone wear and tear on our cars, our psyches and our souls. hell no it didn't. And, like I said before I am not a commuter. Plus the pay, they laughed at me when I wanted more money for my license, they had originally misquoted me and on my offer letter I had overlooked the measly increase. They're defense, "You shouldn't ave signed the offer letter." It took me 6 months to leave that job. 6 months before I was finally able to say screw this and screw you. 6 months of my life. I didn't even give them 2 weeks notice.

Why did it take me 6 months to leave? Because you start building rapport with your clients. You cannot just abandon your clients. We are ethically bound by laws that remind us this is unethical, and these kids we work with, many are in foster care, and by abandoning them we only do them more harm than good. They already have difficulty developing appropriate attachment, and having healthy relationships because they are being moved around so much from home to home, they have a difficult time trusting people and we're supposed to be helping them? No. We're not doing them any good. We get into the helping profession because we want to advocate for those who cannot advocate for themselves, who lack the resources and the strength to do what we find easy, to help everyone lead more fulfilling healthier and happy lives in the face of poverty, hunger, and deprivation, but honestly what good are we after having driven 35 miles in the scorching heat through Los Angeles traffic, bitter and angry. No good at all.

Then there is medi-cal and DMH (Department of Mental Health) who are at the root of all these problems. The billing requirements for therapists at these institutions like OYHFS are ridiculous. Billing requirements=QUOTAS that have to be met, like sales people almost. Because Medi-cal only reimburses for certain services we have a minimum of such "services" that we must meet and provide on a weekly basis. The system basically sucks, because in order to honestly meet these quotas we'd have to work like 50 to 60 hours a week, so interns burn out, the turn over rate is high, and who suffers the most? The clients, the very people who need the help the most, the ones who we are supposed to help get the short end of the stick. The whole system sucks. And it never made sense to me, why was I driving out to South Gate once a week for one kid, what about all the millions of children closer to me and in=between. How cost effective is this really?

I quit. I felt bad, and to this day feel bad for there were children on my caseload who I felt liked me, looked forward to our hour together and have very few other stable people in their life. I should've left sooner to avoid them getting attached to me, but there is this idea that we should at least work somewhere for 1 year. This idea sucks because it forces people to remain in shitty circumstances, shitty jobs. Ultimately, I did 6 months. 6 months of my life. 6 months of these clients lives wasted because they too have to start over, and all I can say is at least I made some good friends there.

I now work elsewhere, somewhere closer to home to begin with. North Hollywood is only 8 miles from Hollywood, and although still in the "burbs" of strip malls and chain restaurants, where I still have to deal with a different mentality altogether at least the driving is minimal in comparison. My quality of life is much better. I still deal with Medi-cal and DMH, and billing quotas but I'm also being appropriately compensated for my license and the bottom line is that I am driving way less. When my practice in West Hollywood takes off then I'll really be out of the burbs and not driving at all. Hopefully. But, I'm in no hurry to abandon any more kids.

the world is a market place....

albeit segregated. we are getting closer it seems. but i still run across right-winged unexposure.

is it truly fickle when you know what you want?

the title speaks for itself. i have excess skin, kinda like baggage, metaphorically speaking, not literally. And, I know when this extra-ness is cumbersome. I know what I want. I know what I need, and I know when it no longer fits, so I expel. Does that make me fickle? Some would say yes. But fickle to me is someone who does not know what he/she wants, someone who is looking for something better, or maybe someone who is searching for the right fit? Is being fickle and knowing what you "don't want" two sides of the same coin? What's the difference between knowing what you don't want and not knowing what you want? What if you know what you want but you also know it is going to be hard hard hard to find? Do you then settle, compromise? And then, you see that maybe you have a good thing, but it's not perfect, do you turn a blind eye? And for how long? Do you try to change it? or do you simply walk away? Sometimes having a partial of a whole is better than nothing at all, or is it?

To play in a band, play music, has always been my expression of art, and for 15 years something of a struggle, because sometimes you have to find the "right" members, people who have the same vision, passion and drive to complete the drawing. Even when I was in a successful band, one that played out regularly, and recorded several albums, there was always an element of compromise, because there were several different visions, passions and drives, which ultimately broke the band apart. So, it can work, even without the "right" members. BUT, everyone needs to be happy for longevity. And, people were not happy. Everyone quit at sometime or other. Does that make us fickle? Or were we each individually searching for the truth, and our own way? Tired of compromise?

The same thought happens now. I am always playing music and sometimes this has to happen with other people. new people. on again. off again. People with different visions, different ideas, passions, etc... The thing is now, I don't have the patience I once had and I now have a direction that I no longer am willing to compromise, that I now want and feel the need to follow. And NOW I have standards in the people I play with: having their shit together, money (not talking rich here, but can cover their share), transportation, mental stability, patience, and focus. And i wonder do I fight the feeling that these people are going to hold me back with their ideas that don't always fall into my oric field? Especially when they are extremely talented with creativity and style. The mentality is easily that together we can create something greater than alone, if we collaborate, life is about collaboration, indeed, but sometimes I think I gotta do this alone. Is that fickle? I can't decide.

falling in and out of love......

we fall in and out of love with our friends. don't you think? we become friends with someone, seek people out because we like something about them. usually. there is either a common thread, an attractiveness, an element of mystery, something that pulls us towards a person, whether it be as friends or for more. Friendships of course, can be lost if your try to pursue more, or it turns into more, (lovers are on a different plane) but the ones that don't turn into more, that subsist on the friendship plane are of an equal sort.

we are friends with each other, and much often in love. not romantically of course, but metaphorically. we argue, and get frustrated too like lovers. ok, i guess there are some friendships that are just out of necesity or proximity, like a colleague, or associate or aquaintance, but when you suddenly find yourself at a party, getting to know that person, that associate or colleague and you find something interesting about them, all of a sudden they slowly begin to fall into the "friend" category, and you begin to fall in love. not romantically. again. i repeat. i'm talking about our friends. we begin to want them around, to talk to, in our life.

sometimes you may reconnect with someone, who you were either very close to or who was just an aquaintance before, and you may rediscover why you loved them, or maybe you were never able to really get to know them, and that maybe other people tore you apart. i think other people do tear friendships apart. the threesome is a scary concept for a twosome. friendships that begin as a more-some than a two-some last longer, there's less at stake. thats another story, i guess.

so. all i am saying is this. the people that you are friends with, i mean your best friends, the people you surround yourself with, associate with are people you should be relating to, and should generally also be people you find to be utterly and truly amazing and beautiful. if they are not so in your mind, perhaps question your reason for being friends with this person. I do. Maybe you've fallen out of love. People change, and we don't always susbsist on the same plane. Life is too short. It's ok to fall out of love. And still subsist on the friend plane, but does it really work, or does it just become more work? 'nuff said.

what is left of life, love and drugs

She called me, she needed confirmation that everything was going to be ok. yes, indeed, half of west hollywood was hungover, broken and doing the walk of shame the day after gay pride 2007, I tell her. You are not alone. Thank god. what is wrong with me? she asks. Just you being young, single, and free. But I'm an alcoholic, she says. No you're not.

Gay Pride should be on a saturday. of course, I could care less, I never go anymore. No dyke march. none of that. that was part of my youth, even though Joan Jett played this year. I just can't handle walking in crowds. sweaty crowds, high on drugs, or drunk. and no, i'm not some self-righteous sober gal, please, I still party, and stay up all night, I just like to do it in the privacy of my home, or my friends' homes, or some low key dive bar.

Plus, I work. I'm obsessed with work. I guess I'd rather spend my Sunday writing a song, or jamming with musicians drinking white wine, spending a quiet afternoon with my love at the movies or a museum, or poolside with friends and mojito's and gimlets. Hanging out with a bunch of strangers on Santa Monica Blvd (or Castro St) bouncing around from club to party to club to party, doing lines of cocaine, has left me left me completely. Like I said if Pride were on a Saturday, maybe I'd go, but who knows, I'd probably be just a likely to still stay at home, or hang with the hetero's. Who really knows.

deference

I saw a movie yesterday where a man, who had left his family 20 years prior comes back when one of the grandchildren invites him to his bar mitzvah (yeah, its a cheesy feel good family movie that i got sucked into as i sometimes do- you might know it). So he comes back 20 years later with his now young, hippie girlfriend, and of course his kids are pissed at him for being gone so long, for not being there during their important years, for showing up with this girlfriend that is their age, for abandoning their mom etc... as they should be, but mom and dad are happy to see one another, are happy because they did once share a bond. Sure, mom struggled during those years when he left, he was gone, but in the movie she acknowledges that dad's leaving had something to do with her too. The kids of course are still mad, and I'm not saying that he should've stayed or left, he did what he felt he had to do and now he has to pay the price for abandoning his children. And children are self-absorbed as they are often taught to be, because often parent's will defer their feelings and well-being for their children who end up having to guess about their parent's real feelings, history and identity which exist outside of the children. complex and complicated indeed. My point being is that often times the parent who leaves is the one who is blamed because the parent who stays with the children have all the power over the children, just as they perhaps did over the relationship and leaving was the only option for the leaver, the parent has 100% of the child's attention and is able to paint the leaver to their perspective, and the leaver cannot defend him/herself. All I am saying is that it is a nice, and rare gesture when the parent who is left behind with the burden of raising the children, of being dumped and abandoned, and of the truth of their relationship, defers to honesty instead of hate, anger, and blame.

Get the balance right.....

Recently, within the last year, my good friend said to me, "it's all about balance." It's so obvious, and I know it, strive for it, but nonetheless it kind of struck me.

By day I am a non-profit, direct service, mental health slave, though I have to say it's better for me, than being a corporate slave which is basically a glorified paper pusher or professional shoe salesman. By night I am a an artist, writer, musician, creator. I would one day like to swap the two but now need both, in that order. Balance.

I live with my lover, the same person, a yummy and delicious soul who always smells and looks good, going on 11 years. We do not have a house, don't own any property, no children like most people assume you should after being together for so long. Nope. We have not accumulated a lot of stuff. (thank god. and all in good time.) and although much to my parent's and some friends dismay, because they assume we should be keeping up with the Joneses, but in our small apartment smack in the center of the city, let me tell you tha we get to still enjoy life to the fullest with little worry. We both have cars and a lot of freedom. a lot of peace of mind and space to do what we feel is right. And jobs. Though, we'd NEVER go back to corporate ever. But, you know a basic work ethic, so despite complaining about going to work everyday, which we only do occasionally, and the inability to take off whenever we please which we take off enough anyway, we do it, we go to work, BUT never too much nor too hard, and it affords us the lifestyle and ability to enjoy the other 128 hours in the week. Damn, I'm jealous of my own self. There are things I want, but there is nothing I need. Except to continue being true to myself. And enjoy the life we are living.